Final Golden Sun VII
by Wild Knightblazer
Summary: [DISCONTINUED] A rather silly meshing of the GS characters into the FF7 world. It was fun while it lasted.
1. Screwed Up Cast and Pink Fluffy Bunnies

Final Golden Sun VII

As you may have guessed, this is a parody of Final Fantasy VII with Golden Sun characters. Love the parody bug.

First off, some thanks are in order. First, thanks to my mother and my sister, because I had a little talk with them when we were coming home from the Big Apple Anime Fest and they said a couple of things that killed my fear of attention. Mostly. Enough to put this up. Second, thanks to the parody bug. Gotta love the parody bug. Third, thanks to whoever wrote the game script for FF7 at GameFAQs.com (--Good site. Very good site), because I'm mainly using that to refresh my memory. And...that's it.

Disclaimer: Actually, I _do_ own Golden Sun and Final Fantasy VII. Yep, that's right. *pause* If you believed me, you're a fool.

Oh, and just so you know, I'm a Mudshipper (Isaac/Mia), so this _may_ have elements of it in here. If you're going to flame because of it, leave now. (Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike Isaac/Jenna, I just like Mia more. Jenna has better attack power, but Mia heals a lot more...) Enjoy, those of you who are left.

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(The Adepts are waiting in...a plain.)

Isaac: A plain?

(Well it's either that or the middle of a busy town...)

Isaac: *shudders* Fair enough. Lousy fangirls...

Garet: What ARE we waiting for, anyway?

Felix: Well, Isaac got this note that told us to come out here...And...*looks past Isaac* We got company.

Isaac: What? *whirls around to see Saturos, Menardi, Agatio, Karst, and Alex* Wait, I thought you were all dead!

Saturos: Well, we were...*starts fidgeting nervously*

Ivan: Ah, don't worry. We know what you were doing now, so we're not going to fight you.

(Everyone glares at Alex)

Ivan: Now, Alex, on the other hand.

Alex: *gulps and starts fidgeting nervously, but is saved by two sudden _swoosh_ing noises*

Voice: Hey, now, no fighting. I don't like Alex either, but I needed to swell the ranks somehow, and he's good for what I have in mind.

(The thirteen Adepts slowly turn around to see a completely average boy a little taller than Ivan, and another boy standing next to him. They look _exactly_ the same, except the second has a slight height advantage, completely black clothes, and a sword that he's loitering on.)

Sheba: Wait...you're not...

Dark Side: Yep, we're the author and muse. Ph33r us.

Knight: Dark Side, 1337 speak is less intimidating if you say it out loud...

Dark Side: Oh, shut up.

Knight: Right. *ahem* So! You're probably wondering why we called you out here?

Jenna: Oh, yeah. And we better get some answers, too. *Her hands start glowing, as well as Mia's and Sheba's*

Knight: *gulp* Hey, I'm the author, I can probably take all...I'm not finishing that sentence. *cough* ANYWAY. I called you here because...drum roll, please...*Dark Side complies* I'm writing a parody of Final Fantasy VII with you guys!

(Silence.)

Mia: Can we ask what Final Fantasy VII _is_?

Dark Side: Sure. Compressed into about a sentence or two, it's the RPG that revolutionized RPGs. Very critically acclaimed, decent graphics for its time, a plot that many consider to be the best ever...

(Adepts gasp)

Dark Side: ...and some say it's the best RPG of all time.

(Adepts gasp harder)

Knight: We don't think so, though. *Adepts let out a sigh of relief* So...here are your parts.

Agatio: Wait, _why_ are we being subjected to this?

Knight: Because I feel like it. And the parody bug's bitten me. ^_^

Agatio: I see no need to listen to you! *starts to raise arm, but suddenly turns into a pink fluffy bunny*

Adepts: 0_0

Knight: Do you see the need now? *the bunny nods vigorously* Thank you. *turns Agatio back to normal* Alright, as I said, here are your roles.

Isaac is Cloud, the main character, because both have yellow spiky hair.

Isaac: That's the _only_ reason?!

Knight: Pretty much. ^_^

Dark Side: *whispering to Knight* You know, Felix would've been a better fit, given that he deserves some time in the spotlight and he kinda comes across as a bit of a jerk like Cloud...

Knight: *whispering to Dark Side* Yeah, but then Isaac would look way out of place. (in normal tones) Garet is Barret, the tough resistance leader with a gun for an arm, because Garet and Barret rhyme and I thought it was funny.

Garet: 0_0

Dark Side: *whispering* You're an idiot, you know that?

Knight: Yup. Ivan, you're Red XIII, a.k.a. Nanaki, because you're wise and he's wise and I thought it fits.

Ivan: Good enough for me.

Knight: Oh, and he's a lion-wolf cross.

Ivan: WHAT?!

Knight: Heh heh...Mia, you're Aeris, the obligatory ancient-civilization-girl, because Aeris is a calm character and you seem to be the calmest GS girl. I've never seen you angry.

Mia: That's a good thing for you. But I have no problem with the role...

Knight: (Until you find out what happens at the end of the first disc...) Felix, you're Cid Highwind, the pilot, because of a reason that will be revealed during the second disc. And he's also notorious for saying the longest string of curses ever in a Final Fantasy game, so it's a funny contrast.

Felix: I resent that.

Knight: Too bad.

Karst: Hey, wait, when do we get parts? *Proxians start glaring at Knight and Dark Side*

Knight: I'm not there yet. Sheesh. Be patient. Jenna, you're Tifa, the childhood friend of Cloud, because you _are_ a childhood friend of Isaac.

Jenna: You have no imagination. You know that?

Knight: Of course. Sheba, you're Elena, one of the Turks, because you're both blonde and you don't seem all hyper and brash like Yuffie. Well, hyper, maybe, but not brash.

Sheba: Oh...kay...

Knight: Piers...Picard...which do you prefer, anyway?

Picard: The second...

Knight: Okay. Piers-

Picard: HEY!

Knight: I was kidding. I like Picard more, so I'm using that. Picard, you're Vincent, the mysterious guy with a gun, because it's another funny contrast to your personality. And in my mind you looked cool with a gun.

Picard: Right...I'm not going to like this, am I?

Knight: Hey, I'm sadistic. You shoulda learned that by now. Saturos, you're Sephiroth, because you're the only one of the bad guys-

Saturos: I...am not...a bad guy! *raises sword threateningly* I was lighting the lighthouses to save Prox!

Knight: Okay, okay, okay, you're the only one of the _Proxians_ who uses a sword.

Saturos: Fair enough. *pause* Is this Sephiroth cool?

Knight: Many consider him the best villain ever.

Saturos: Sweetness. ^_^

Knight: Agatio, you're Cait Sith, which is kind of a cat sitting atop a huge doll...

Agatio: _What_?!

Knight: ...because Cait Sith seems to be the biggest party member, and you're the biggest GS character.

Agatio: As long as I don't get anything humiliating...

Knight: Your weapon's a megaphone.

Agatio: Say _what_?! *lunges at Knight, but a sudden punch from Dark Side sends him flying back to the Proxians*

Dark Side: I'm his appointed bodyguard, and he's the author, so I basically have the power to own you all. Got it?

Agatio: *meekly* Yes sir.

Knight: Go DS. ^_^ Look, if it'll make you happy, I'll let you stay the way you are now for your role. Okay?

Agatio: Fine.

Knight: Great. Menardi, you're a female Reno, another one of the Turks, because there was no other good spot for you.

Menardi: I'd decapitate you, but your dark side has already shown his power...*fumes*

Dark Side: *smiles evilly and flashes one of those peace signs*

Knight: Karst, you're Yuffie, because you seem to be a good fit.

Karst: I'd have to say the same thing as my sister here...*fumes, which looks exactly like Menardi's*

Alex: And what about me?

Knight: You're Rufus, President Shinra's son, because he's a bastard and so are you.

Alex: Why you little...*raises arm, ready to strike with powers of Alchemy, but is suddenly nailed in the head with the butt of Dark Side's sword* OW!

Dark Side: *catching sword as it flies back like a boomerang* That's the second reminder...

Knight: And other semi-important characters will show up as they come. Okay, let's start it. *Raises arms and everyone is suddenly transported to a movie set*

Isaac: Whoa, how'd you do that?

Knight: I'm the author, remember? *Dark Side tosses out scripts to everyone* Alright, places everyone! Let's move!

And for reference:

**The Cast**  
(in order of party appearance and NPC/enemy importance)

**Isaac: Cloud Strife**

**Garet: Barret Wallace**

**Jenna: Tifa Lockheart**

**Mia: Aeris Gainsborough**

**Ivan: Red XIII, a.k.a. Nanaki**

**Karst: Yuffie Kisaragi**

**Agatio: Cait Sith**

**Picard: Vincent Valentine**

**Felix: Cid Highwind**

**Saturos: Sephiroth**

**Alex: Rufus Shinra**

**Menardi: (Female) Reno of the Turks**

**Sheba: Elena of the Turks**

**Knight: Director**

**Dark Side: Cameraman/Bodyguard**

**Other characters to be introduced later**

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Knight: Ah, the fun fun fun parody bug. Hope you will all enjoy it! If you were wondering why I said Isaac would look way out of place if Felix were Cloud-can you imagine Isaac as Cid Highwind? Can you imagine Isaac cursing every five seconds with a cigarette and using a spear? Knowing my luck, you probably can. -_- But I think Felix looks more in-character as Cid than Isaac. So that's why.

Dark Side: And as you may have guessed, Felix is Cid because Cid is the leader during parts of disc 2.

Knight: And Isaac and Felix are my favorite GS characters, so they both get some time in the spotlight. ^_^ So, see you in the first chapter, The Bombing Raid on Tolbi's No. 1 Reactor!

Dark Side: Tolbi?

Knight: Yep. Babi's President Shinra. 

Dark Side: Huh. That makes sense.

Knight: I know. ^_^ By the way, can someone help me think up a Golden Sun name for Shinra? If no one has any suggestions, I'm going with Colosso, just because. That's all. Review or I'll sic Dark Side on you.


	2. Tolbi's Alchemy Reactor 1 and More Stuff

Knight: Yes! I'm getting reviews! I'm not invisible after all! *Dark Side pokes Knight's head with a pin* Ow. What was that for?

Dark Side: Your head needed deflating.

Knight: Oh. Heh heh, yeah. Right. *notices stares* What? I'm not a review whore, I just like knowing that I'm not invisible.

Dark Side: Don't we all...Life's no fun if no one knows you exist...

Not Important1: I prefer Cloud/Tifa too, but I didn't really want to go overboard with the contrasting characters thing. I already have Felix, a seemingly keeps-his-cool guy, as Cid Highwind, a.k.a. Mr. "%#@*^*&@&%@#" Guy. And I also have Picard, a friendly guy, as Vincent, who's just outright dark and mysterious, so...yeah. I figured three or four contrasting characters would be too much.

???: Interesting name. Anyway, I didn't steal your idea. Not intentionally, at least. Sorry 'bout that.

Carscard: I think I'm actually making up the rest of the cast as I go along. Well, I have an idea for Hojo, and possibly Reeve and Tseng and Scarlett and maybe even Heidigger and Zack...You know, now that I think about it, Menardi would have made a perfect Scarlett, but Scarlett _entirely_ slipped my mind when I was making up the cast...hell, _all_ the characters you mentioned entirely slipped my mind...Well, you're just going to have to find out what happens when I get to those parts! ^_^

Lemurian Swordsman: Yeah...you noticed. Sorry, but this is gonna stick to FF7's story, which means, yes, Mia's _character_ is going to die. Notice how I said Mia's _character_, not Mia herself. This is like a movie, and she's one of the actors, and unless I missed something or I'm even more stupid than I thought, actors don't die when their characters die... I'm starting to feel stupefied, responding to your review. School's fault, I tell you. It's _all _school's fault...I should shut up.

You Suck: (Well, by this time, the review should be gone, but I'm responding to it anyway. I'm sure you know what he/she said anyway.) 0_0 Congratulations, you are the giver of my very first flame. Here's the cookie you burned. That was a very nice display of your intelligence, by the way. Would you also mind telling me _why the *bleep*in' bloody hell_ you flamed everything on the first page? What the hell did anyone ever do to piss you off?!

And, well, I'd say something else to the other reviewers, but I can't think of anything witty to say, so I'll just give everyone cookies. Except for "You Suck," for obvious reasons. 'Cause he or she sucks. And an extra large one goes to Lightningfencer00fuzz for giving me some names for Shinra (Aleph, in particular). ^_^

And you may notice that the characters suddenly seem to know they were in a game all along and other stuff that would tear the fourth wall into little crumbly gravel pieces. Don't ask why. It's a little thing called "creative license."

I think.

And the last note: I forgot to ask for GS names for SOLDIER and AVALANCHE. So I'm just going with them. Because I can't think up any better names.

Disclaimer: Put it this way. The amount of money in my wallet is around $30. The rights to Golden Sun, Final Fantasy VII, and anything else that pops up in here must cost somewhere around five billion. Do the math.

Spoiler Warning: There are going to be some spoilers for both Golden Sun games, and even more for Final Fantasy VII. You have been warned.

Aaaaaaaaand...ACTION!

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(Scene: A bunch of stars. The camera pans around, giving us a nice view of them, and finally pulls back to reveal they're actually fireplace sparks. Mia is staring into the camera, her hands clasped. Eventually, the camera moves to show her picking up a flower basket and walking to the end of an alleyway, and the camera continues to zoom waaaay out until you can see all of Tolbi in its glory)

**_Final Golden Sun VII_**

Dark Side: Wait, why Final Golden Sun? The other GS-FF parodies on FanFiction.net are called Golden Fantasy...

Knight: I wanted to be different. And I think Final Golden Sun sounds cool.

Dark Side: Right...

(The camera begins zooming in on Sector 1 of Tolbi, into a train station near the first Reactor. A train pulls in, with some people on top. Two Aleph guards are standing nearby. As the train comes to a stop, Dora-yes, Dora-leaps off the train, and as the closest guard rushes to take her out, she lashes out with a kick that sends the guard flying, unconscious.)

Isaac: _Mom_?!

Knight: Shut it! You're not supposed to make your entrance yet!

Isaac: (grumble grumble)

(As the second guard stares, Kyle also leaps off and takes him out, while Hsu jumps down with no problem. All three start heading towards the reactor as Garet jumps down.)

Garet: _God_, this thing is uncomfortable...

(Shaking his gunarm, he makes a motion with his left hand. Isaac does a flip off the train and lands on his feet.)

Garet: Show off.

Isaac: Aren't I, though? ^_^

Garet: Right. Follow me.

(Garet heads towards the reactor, and Isaac begins to follow, but his way is blocked by two more Aleph guards.)

Isaac: Say, these people aren't really humans, are they?

Dark Side: No. They're robots.

Isaac: Okay, great. I have no qualms about killing robots.

(battle transition, screen fades in)

Isaac: (is struggling to hold up his sword)

Knight: Wha...oh, come on. It can't be _that_ heavy.

Isaac: What the hell are you talking about?! This thing's like twice my weight! (Sickening cracks emit from his arms) OW!

Knight: (sighs and uses author powers to make the sword light as a feather and to heal his arms) Happy?

Isaac: Much. (dispatches Aleph guards in two swings and heads in the direction Garet was going)

(Isaac finds Kyle, Dora, and Hsu working on opening a door. By the way, they're supposed to be Biggs, Jessie, and Wedge if you didn't know.)

Kyle: Wow. You used to be in SOLDIER, alright. Not everyday you find one like you in a group like AVALANCHE.

Isaac: (whispering) Um, Dad, why are they capitalized?

Kyle: (whispering) It's what the script says. Shut up.

Dora: SOLDIER? Aren't they the enemy? What's he doing in AVALANCHE?

Isaac: Okay, they're pissing me off. Knight, are those names acronyms?

Knight: Not that I know of...

Isaac: So can you make them _normal_? It looks so disruptive...

Knight: Picky, picky, picky...(Changes SOLDIER to Soldier and AVALANCHE to Avalanche) Happy?

Isaac: Much.

Kyle: Right. Relax, Dora, he _used_ to be in Soldier. He quit and he's now one of us. (to Isaac) I didn't catch your name...

Isaac: Dad, you _know_ my name.

Kyle: Hey, unlike you, I'm _following_ the script.

Isaac: Okay. Fine. Isaac.

Kyle: Isaac, eh? I'm-

Isaac: (following the script for once) I don't want your names. Once this job's over, I'm out of here.

Garet: (walking up) Hey, what the hell are you all doing?! I thought I told you to never move in a group!

Hsu: Um, may I ask why we are taking orders from Garet, who is younger than all of us?

Dark Side: 'Cause Knight said so! Now shut up and follow the damn script!

Hsu: (grumble grumble)

Garet: Thank you. Our target's the North Alchemy Reactor. We'll meet on the bridge in front of it. Let's move!

(Dora opens the door and she, Kyle, and Hsu run forward. Garet starts to follow, then looks back at Isaac.)

Garet: Ex-Soldier, huh? I don't trust you!

(Garet starts heading towards the No. 1 Reactor and Isaac follows, dispatching random Wild Wolves and Aleph (robot) guards along the way)

Isaac: Is it just me, or is Cloud weaker than he appears? This sword looks big enough to tear a house in half, but it's only doing about 30 damage...

Knight: I know. Soft-Hard Rule or something like that. Just smile and nod.

(As they reach the bridge Garet mentioned, Hsu splits off to guard their exit while the others rush ahead. Once they're inside the room, Garet turns to Isaac.)

Garet: So, is this your first time inside an Aleph reactor?

Isaac: No. I did use to work for them, y'know.

Garet: Well, Alchemy's the blood of this planet, and people use it for everything. But these reactors are sucking the blood outta the planet.

Isaac: ...Whatever.

Garet: That's it! You're coming with me from now on!

(Text box appears: Garet has joined the party! Actually, I don't remember if it shows up in FF7 or not...)

Garet: Wait, I said he's coming with me...

Isaac: I'm the main character. ^_^

Garet: Lucky bastard...

(Kyle opens up the door in front of them, and Dora opens the next one. Or is it the other way around? Either way, Dora comes with them into the elevator beyond.)

Dora: Could one of you boys push that button?

Garet: She's your mother, Isaac.

Isaac: Not in this game, but fine...(He pushes the button and the elevator starts to go down)

Garet: So, I'm going to say something completely random.

Isaac: As per usual?

Garet: Yeah. One day, these reactors will suck the last bit of Alchemy from the planet, and that'll be it.

Isaac: Right. Not my problem.

Garet: The planet's dying, Isaac!

Isaac: Meh. The only thing I care about is my job and the money you're giving me.

Dora: (gasp) Isaac, how _could_ you? After all your father and I taught you-

Isaac: Mom, it's the script.

Dora: Oh. (smiles sheepishly) I knew that. Really.

(At that point, the elevator comes to a stop, and Isaac, Garet, and Dora exit. No sooner do they step outside than they get into a battle against three "monopod" robots, as I like to call them.)

(Well, really, not _all_ of them get into the fight...)

Isaac: I suppose it would be too much to ask you to help us fight, Mom?

Dora: I suppose so.

Isaac: Great. (Slashes one of the monopods into bits) Heh, I could get used to this big sword.

Garet: Right. Anyway, how do you fire this-WAGH! (Gunarm suddenly unleashes dozens of bullets, utterly blowing up the last two monopods.)

(Everyone stands there blinking)

Isaac: Well, that was...interesting...How _did_ you do it?

Garet: Um...I squeezed something with my right index finger?

(Everyone considers that picture for a bit and shudders.)

(To avoid more tedious fighting and dungeon/reactor crawling, I'm skipping ahead to the reactor core, where Isaac sees a little green orb on the ground.)

Isaac: I'd say it's the Orb of Force, but that's red...(Picks it up-text box appears and says "You got Restore Materia!") Materia? Whuzzat?

Knight: Forget about it for now. Garet will explain it later.

Isaac: _Garet_ will explain it?

Dark Side: Actually, you'll explain it _to_ Garet, he just prompts you.

Isaac: But I don't even know what Materia _is_!

Dark Side: Just read the script when it gets to that point.

Garet: Sheesh. Isaac set up us the bomb.

Isaac: _What_?

Garet: (shrugs)

Dark Side: (glares at Knight) What the _hell_ is an All Your Base reference doing in there?

Knight: Heh heh...Couldn't resist. Garet, it should just be "Isaac, you set up the bomb."

Garet: Oh. Isaac, you set up the bomb.

Isaac: What bomb? (One suddenly appears in his hand, clock and all) Oh. Why me?

Garet: Just do it. I gotta make sure you don't screw anything up.

Isaac: Right...(He plants the bomb on the core and taps a few buttons, and then alarms go off.)

Garet: Well, I think it's safe to say you screwed something up.

Isaac: Shut up, you.

(Guard Scorpion appears!)

Isaac: (holding the FF7 guide in one hand) Well, according to this, it says we're not supposed to attack when its tail is up, otherwise it'll counter with a big laser on both of us...

Knight: (snatches guide) No looking at that. You might find out who the final boss is.

Isaac: Safer Saturos, a.k.a. One-Winged Angel Saturos?

Dark Side: Too late...

Garet: So about how much does this laser do?

Knight: If I remember correctly, about 100 to both of you...

Garet: (snorts) 100? We have like 800-1200 HP at the end of TLA. 100 is nothing.

Dark Side: Yeah well, at this point, you have 350-400.

Garet: Oh.

Isaac: Well, I guess I'll just Odyssey it to hell. (Tries to cast Odyssey, but instead a lightning bolt strikes from the ceiling) What the?!

Knight: No Psynergy in FF7, genius. You currently have the spells Ice and Bolt.

Isaac: No Odyssey?!

Knight: No Odyssey. But there are Limit Breaks.

Isaac: Huh? (Gets hit by an exceedingly powerful attack from the Guard Scorpion, and in a red text box, "Isaac Limit Break!" appears) Oh. Can I ask what that is?

Knight: Just try attacking normally.

Isaac: Right...(He rushes up to the Guard Scorpion, but instead of just slashing, he jumps up and brings his sword down, cutting a huge gash in the front of the robot) Whoa!

Dark Side: That was Braver, Cloud's first Limit Break. You learn new Limit Breaks as you use them. There's seven for everyone except Cait Sith and Vincent, a.k.a. Agatio and Picard, who get two and four respectively, because...

Knight: Dark Side, shut up and let them get on with the battle.

Dark Side: Hey, unlike you, I _liked_ FF7.

Knight: I didn't not like it, I just don't think it deserves _half_ the attention it gets...

Dark Side: Then why in the WORLD did you whip this up?

Knight: Blame the parody bug!

Garet: Um, guys? Guard Scorpion? Battle?

Knight: Oh, right...Continue on.

Garet: Finally. (Unleashes a barrage of bullets at the Guard Scorpion, who retaliates by firing the laser.) What the?! I thought it only does that when the tail is raised!

Dark Side: Look at it now. (points to raised tail) It's cheap like that.

Garet: I hate cheaters! (Charges up a huge ball of energy and shoots it at the Guard Scorpion, demolishing it.) 0_0

Isaac: Was that his own Limit Break?

Dark Side: Uh-huh. Big Shot.

Isaac: Well, that's nice, but according to the little game timer up there, we've got ten minutes to escape...

Garet: Ten minutes?! TEN MINUTES?!

Knight: Guys, it takes less time than that to escape from Sol Sanctum, and that's _longer_ than this.

Garet: Oh.

(Long story short, they run out, picking up Dora and Kyle on the way. They run out onto the bridge, where Hsu gestures for them to follow him. As they do so, the reactor explodes in a brilliant...explosion.)

(Dark Side: Not exactly Mr. Vocabulary Dictionary, eh?

Knight: Of course not...)  
  


(Scene: Inside a building in Sector 8 of Tolbi. Dora is tapping away at something.)

Kyle: Well, that should keep the planet going a little longer.

Garet: Yeah...

(Dora stands up)

Dora: Okay, everyone get back!

(They do so, and a miniature bomb blows a hole in the side of the building, which allows them to leap out through the hole.)

Garet: Alright, everyone split up. We'll meet up again at the train station.

(Everyone splits up, and Garet starts running towards a staircase)

Isaac: H, hey!

Garet: If it's about your money, wait until we get back. (He disappears)

Isaac: You know, I don't like this game so far. No one's nice to me...grumble grumble, mutter mutter, destroy...

(He heads up the staircase to a street. Some punks barge into Mia, knocking her down.)

Isaac: Tch...Stupid punks. I hate people who're like that...(Holds hand out to Mia) You okay?

Mia: Yes, fine, thank you...(Takes Isaac's hand and pulls herself up, along with her flower basket) Say, would you like to buy a flower? They're only one coin...

Isaac: One? That's it? (hands over a coin and takes the flower) How are you making a living if your flowers are only one coin?

Mia: Good question. We'll have to ask the real Aeris should we ever meet her. Well, good-bye...

(She walks down the street. Isaac walks down the street. Mia mysteriously disappears.)

Isaac: What the?

Dark Side: She just went backstage! Just keep going!

Isaac: Fine. (Heads south for a ways, until...)

Aleph Guards: Hey, you there!

Isaac: Wha...(turns around and sees two Aleph grunts running towards him) Damn. (Slashes twice and takes care of them. Two more appear.) Damn again. (He runs out to an intersection, where two more soldiers appear.) Damn again. (He runs the other way, and two more appear.) Oh, screw it.

(battle transition, but "You're surrounded!" appears in the text box)

Isaac: What?

Dark Side: You're surrounded. (points to two Aleph grunts in front of him and another grunt behind him) Pincer attack.

Isaac: I'm not going to enjoy this, am I?

Dark Side: Nope. Attacks from behind do more damage.

Isaac: Damn. -_-

Dark Side: It applies to you too, however.

Isaac: Oh. Cool! (runs behind the two grunts in front of him and slices through them both from behind)

Knight: Hey, you can't do that!

Isaac: Says who?

Knight: Says whoever programmed the battle system of FF7! Just deal with it!

Isaac: Fine. (The other Aleph grunt fires his machine gun, doing 4 damage.) Four damage?! That's low even in Golden Sun!

Dark Side: We know it is. Just kill him.

Isaac: Yay! (kills the last grunt...and you guessed it, more come.) Damn again! (He runs for the bridge, where he finds he's surrounded on all sides.) Oh, crud.

Aleph Grunt #347: Give up! We have you surrounded!

Isaac: Gee, I couldn't tell. But I don't feel like playing games with you guys. See ya. (does a flashy back flip off the bridge, under which a train just conveniently came out)

Knight: (to Dark Side) Is Cloud _supposed_ to be a showoff?

Dark Side: (to Knight) No, but evidently Isaac is. Just deal with it.

(Isaac lands on the train safely and it speeds down a tunnel)

(Scene: Inside the train. Garet, Kyle, Dora, and Hsu are inside a storage car.)

Kyle: Hm. Isaac never came back.

Hsu: You do not think he died, do you?

Kyle: Hsu, would it kill you to use a contraction occasionally?

Hsu: I do not know. And I do not wish to find out. (Kyle just groans)

Garet: I don't think he died. He's a tough kid.

(Silence.)

Kyle: Say, do you think Isaac's going to keep fighting to the end with Avalanche?

Garet: How would I know? Do I look like a mind reader?! (pounds the crate next to him)

Kyle: Well, if you were a Wind Adept, I'd say yes...

Garet: Ha ha ha. Bloody hilarious.

(Silence again.)

Hsu: Garet, what about our funds?

Dark Side: Hsu, it's money.

Hsu: But funds sounds much more elegant, do you not think so?

Dark Side: (to Knight) Knight, can I kill him?

Knight: (to Dark Side) You don't have to, genius.

Dark Side: (to Knight) Oh. Yeah. (grins)

Hsu: So, again, Garet, what about our funds? (Garet pounds the crate next to him again) Um, never mind...

(More silence.)

(The door suddenly slides open and Isaac flips inside)

Kyle: Isaac!

Dora: Isaac!

Hsu: Isaac!

Garet: For the sake of not sounding like everyone else..._showoff_.

Isaac: Thank you. ^_^ Seems like I was a little late.

Garet: _Little_?! You freaking missed the train! And now you come waltzing in making a big scene!

Isaac: Heh, it's no big deal. Just what I always do.

Knight: (to Dark Side) Wow, he _is_ a showoff.

Dark Side: (to Knight) That's the actual line.

Knight: Oh.

Garet: Tch...Having everyone worried like that! You don't give a damn about anyone but yourself, do you?!

Isaac: Oh, you were worried about me?

Garet: Wha...(Looks rather steamed) That's coming outta your pay, smart guy! (stomps over to the back of the car) Wake up! We're moving to the next car! (slams open the door and stomps through)

Knight: (thinking) _Damn_, he's good. Who would've thought Garet was an actor?

Hsu: Isaac, you were magnificent-

Dark Side: Great. It's _great_. I don't give a crap about "magnificent" being more elegant, it's **_great_**.

Hsu: (fuming) Okay. Fine. Isaac, you were great back there. (follows Garet through the door)

Kyle: Heh. Don't worry, Isaac. We'll do even better next time. (gives Isaac the thumbs-up and disappears through the door)

Dora: Hm, no one bothered to shut this...(closes the door and turns to Isaac, gasping) Oh, Isaac! Your face is pitch-black! (grabs him in a headlock and starts vigorously rubbing his face with a handkerchief)

Dark Side: _Dora_...get..._off_! (breaks Isaac out of headlock) You're just supposed to rub it from where you were standing!

Dora: (smiling sheepishly) Oh...sorry about that...mother's instinct, you know...(quickly runs out)

Knight: (to Felix, who's standing next to him) Very protective of him, isn't she?

Felix: Ohhhh yeah. And you haven't even seen the worst of it. (Knight shudders as Isaac enters the next car)

Freaky Announcer Voice Thingy: Train departing from Sector 8 station. Estimated time of arrival in Sector 7 is 12:38 AM.

Isaac: Say, when did Tolbi get split up into sectors, anyway?

FAVT: Since someone deemed it so. Quiet, you.

Isaac: What the?!

(Garet scares everyone off and sits down, while Dora calls Isaac over.)

Isaac: No.

Dora: Please?

Isaac: No. I don't want to hear your speech that will amount to nothing in the plot and have nothing to do with anything.

Dora: But I was going to say something about our...(lowers voice to a whisper) fake (back to normal) ID's and how we use them to fool the security check...

Isaac: And like I said, it's likely to amount to _nothing_ in the plot! (At that point, red lights start going off) Wha?

Dora: This is the security check. So much for amounting to nothing in the plot. ^_^

Isaac: (grumble) (red lights turn off)

Garet: Hey, look...You can see the surface now...(looking out window) This city doesn't have day or night...If that plate weren't there, we could see the sky.

Isaac: (looks out window as well and sees the Sector 7 Plate _waaaaay_ up high.) Huh. A floating city...Pretty unsettling scenery.

Garet: Hm? (Stands up and looks at Isaac) Never expected that out of you. You're just full of surprises. (Looks out the window at the plate again) The upper world, a city on a plate. It's because of that damned "pizza" that the people underneath are suffering!

Kyle: Pizza? Only Garet would use a term like that...

Dark Side: It's the script, Kyle! It's what Barret actually says!

Kyle: Oh. Sorry 'bout that.

Garet: (grumbling) And the city below is full of polluted air...And on top of all that, the Reactors keep draining out all the Alchemy.

Isaac: (standing up as well) So why doesn't everyone move onto the plate?

Garet: Not enough money, I guess. Or maybe they love their land so much they refuse to leave it.

Isaac: I dunno...(looks out again) No one lives in the slums because they want to...

(The train speeds on for a while, eventually stopping at Sector 7.)

Knight: Aaaaaaaand...Cut!

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Knight: Whoo. That was nice and long. *ahem* So, um, a couple of notes...You may have noticed Garet wasn't acting entirely blockhead-ish like...thing. I figured that he should have at least _one_ story on FF.net where he doesn't act like an idiot. It's only fair, right?

Dark Side: I guess. And did Aleph Grunt #347 originate from where I think he originated?

Knight: Yep. In RPG World, a _really_ funny webcomic that pokes fun at just about every RPG cliche imaginable, one of the main characters is Evil Soldier #347. So that particular Aleph grunt is homage to 347, because he's one of the funniest characters. Don't sue me. So, well, um...that's all for now! Please review!


	3. Have a Nice Day, Says the Plot Device

Knight: Um...booya?

Icy Cake: Yeah, it's not so funny. Two reasons for that. One, I suck at writing humor. Two, humor's the secondary genre, not the first. ^_^ I'll try to put in more humor, but like I said, I suck at it, so don't expect much in that direction.

Shadowthewindadept: ...Well, I'd disagree with the "greatest game ever made" comment, but it's your opinion...in my opinion, it IS a very good game, though.

Mr. Me: "All the peoples showy uppity?" Um...that's supposed to be "all the people show up," right? If so, yeah, it is gonna be a while.

???: Well, like I said above, I can't guarantee the humor. But I'll try! (**_long_** pause) Do you have a pen name here at FF.net? It feels weird having to refer to someone as a few punctuation marks, and MS Word doesn't like it, and when MS Word doesn't like something it starts doing evil things (like siccing the paper clip of DOOM who says "It looks like you're writing something. Let me change the first word to 'cheese'" on me!)...

WildfireDreams: Yeah, it is cool, isn't it? Garet's awesome. (pause) Can you believe I first typed your name as "Wildfire Cheese"? (slaps the paper clip of DOOM for giving him the idea.)

Knight: So, um...cookies for the five of you. Thanks for reviewing.

Disclaimer: I still don't own Golden Sun, FF7, or anything else that pops up in here that doesn't originally belong to me. (Pause.) But if Dark Side had a dollar for every stupid thing I've ever said, he'd have enough to buy the rights to all those _and_ have enough left over to buy out Nintendo, Sony, and Microsoft and end the console war.

End the console war? Yeah, _right_.

Aaaaaaaand...ACTION!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Scene: Sector 7 train station. The train comes to a stop, and the conductor opens the door. Several people start running everywhere, evidently afraid of the redhead with a gun for an arm.)

Garet: What did I ever do to deserve this...? (Everyone else gets off, Isaac being last, and as the train pulls away, he calls everyone over) So, the mission was a success. But don't be lazy...

Isaac: Like you?

Garet: I resent that...-_- ANYWAY, as I was saying, don't get lazy, because the hard part's still to come. Hope you liked that explosion, 'cause the next one's gonna be even bigger.

Hsu: I sense a pyromaniac at hand...

Garet: Can I spend at _least_ twenty-four hours _not_ being the butt of everyone's jokes?

Isaac: No.

Garet: Damn it...Well, anyway, let's all meet up at the bar. (Everyone splits, leaving Isaac quite alone)

Isaac: I _hate_ it when that happens. Everyone just suddenly disappears and leaves me all alone...(With no real interest, he starts heading towards the bar. Obviously bored out of his mind, he starts randomly tapping the scenery as he walks past it, when he notices that his finger doesn't quite reach the pile of rubble) What the hell?

Dark Side: I believe FF7 uses pre-rendered backgrounds.

Isaac: Which means?

Knight: Pre-rendered. Exactly what it sounds like. The background was rendered previously.

Dark Side: Simplification to the extreme...

Knight: Shut up.

(Isaac continues on to the Sector 7 bar, a.k.a. 7th Heaven.)

Dark Side: I don't like that show.

Knight: Shut up.

(As he approaches, a bunch of people run out, scared out of their minds as Garet chases them out)

Isaac: ...He's a bit of a blockhead, but I don't recall him being this violent...

Garet: _I'm not a blockhead_! (grumble) Anyway, I believe someone's waiting for you inside...

Isaac: (listening to a CD player)

Garet: Isaac!

Isaac: Oh, I'm sorry! Were you waiting for me to give a damn?

Dark Side: (to Knight) Oh, _man_, are our licensing fees gonna go through the roof...

Knight: (to Dark Side) Going to? They already have!

Dark Side: (to Knight) Point taken...

Isaac: (slips by Garet and enters the bar, where he sees Megan jumping around on the tables and looking rather tipsy) Megan? As in, Mia's apprentice, Megan?

(Yes, Mia's apprentice Megan.)

Isaac: Well, thanks for confirming it. Any reason why she's jumping on the tables and looking rather tipsy?

Jenna: She gave me the puppy-dog eyes. (walks out from behind the bar) Garet's gonna kill me, she's supposed to be his daughter.

Isaac: (considers the picture of Garet as a father for a second and shudders violently)

Jenna: So, I take it the mission was a success?

Isaac: Of course. After all, _I_ was there. OW! (rubs the spot where Jenna just punched him)

Jenna: Right. Did you and Garet fight?

Isaac: Together, yes. With each other, also yes.

Jenna: Hm. It figures. When you were little you used to get into fights at the drop of a hat.

Knight: Whoa, jeez...! (drops his hat on the floor) Oh, crap...

Isaac: !!! (suddenly runs out of the bar. Screaming noises follow. He walks back in, a smile on his face)

Jenna: I didn't mean that literally, you dork. (notices flower sticking out of his pocket) Oh, is that a flower?

Deep Voice: No...I am Galgar-(Deep Voice is shot by Dark Side before licensing fees can skyrocket even more than they already have) Ow. (dies)

Isaac: ...Right. Yes, it's a flower. (Pause) What, did you want it or something?

Jenna: Well...um...(blushes) Maybe.

Isaac: Well, crap. I don't know whether to give this to you or Mia.

Dark Side: ...I'm not even going to bother pointing out what's wrong with that logic.

Garet: (entering the bar) Do so anyway. We like being entertained.

Dark Side: Don't you find it a bit odd that he might want to give the _same_ flower he bought from Mia _back_ to her?

Dora: Head-over-heels, I tell you...

Isaac: ......

Jenna: Why _would_ you want to give it back to Mia? (suddenly grows very large horns and flames start dancing in her eyes) What does she have that I don't?!

Isaac: (gulp) Um...um...I can't not answer, can I?

Jenna: No. (still glaring at him)

Isaac: (gulps again) Look, I don't like either of you any better than the other...

Jenna: _What_?! (suddenly turns into a fire-breathing demon that towers over Isaac as well) _And why is that, foolish mortal_?!

Isaac: Eep...0_0

Dark Side: ...Where's Mia? I would've thought she put in a response by now...

(Backstage, Mia has plugged her ears and is humming a cross between "The Star-Spangled Banner" and the TLA credits theme)

Dark Side: Oh...

Knight: Jenna, please, just turn back to normal so we can get on with the story...

Jenna: (turns to him, still in her demon form) And why would I do that, mortal?

Dark Side: Think about it this way. The sooner this is over with, the sooner you can go back home.

Jenna: Oh. That's good enough. (turns back to normal human form)

Garet: That was the freakiest thing I've ever seen...Wait, something's missing...

Megan: WHHHHEEEEEE! (falls off one of the tables, gets back up, and immediately starts doing something between a cross of a ballet dance, the Macarena, and the chicken dance.)

Garet: ...Jenna, I'm going to kill you.

Jenna: Wow, I predicted the future. Go me.

Garet: ...Anyway, everyone wake up. We're heading downstairs.

Isaac: What stairs?

Garet: (walks over to the pinball machine and presses the start button, and as it goes down, he calls up) _These_ stairs.

Isaac: Riiiight...(everyone else heads down except for him and Jenna)

Jenna: Sooo...wanna drink? (holds up a bottle of beer expectantly)

Isaac: Hey, you _know_ what happened the last time I got drunk.

Jenna: (shudders at the memory) Good point...

Knight: Actually, that should just be plain water. I didn't want to risk anyone getting intoxicated on the set.

Isaac: Then what happened with Megan?

(Silence.)

Knight: That's...a good question...

Mia: (backstage) Actually, she's a Mercury Adept, and she's hyper already, so whenever she drinks a lot of water she gets on a bit of a sugar rush.

(Silence.)

Dark Side: You Mercury Adepts are oddballs. (is suddenly frozen by the combined efforts of two Glaciers [Mia and Alex] and a Diamond Berg [Picard]) Ow!

Isaac: I'd say something to the effect of "putting you on ice," but that's stupid. Oh well. (heads down via the pinball machine) I like pinball.

Knight: That was random...

Garet: (from downstairs) I like swords!

Dark Side: (unfrozen, but still shivering) That was even _more_ random...(pause) Funny _Garet_ should say that, seeing as how he has red-ish clothes and hair and is a bit of a blockhead...

(Downstairs, a TV is playing, Kyle and Hsu are playing cards on a table, Dora's working on something electronic, Megan is out cold and sleeping happily, and Garet is slamming the crap out of a punching bag.)

Newscaster Person Thingy on TV: We have just received word that Avalanche, the terrorist organization, has destroyed Aleph's No. 1 Alchemy Reactor.

Isaac: (muttering) Wow, it took you an hour to realize it...

NPToTV: Aleph Corporation is dispatching Soldier to deal with the threat. You may see random, muscular guys in the street carrying big-ass swords. If you do, just walk right by them. Ignore them. Go about your lives. Nothing to worry about, everything is _just_ fine.

Isaac: (thinking) The power of denial...

Soldier Member on TV That's Dressed in Jungle Camouflage and Looks Suspiciously like Elmer Fudd While Standing Against a Bright Orange Wall: Be vewy, vewy quiet. We're hunting tewwowists. Uh-huh-huh-huh-huh...

Dark Side: (to Knight) ...That was from Robin Williams...that wasn't in the script, was it?

Knight: (to Dark Side) Nope...he is _so_ gonna kill us...

SMoTVTDiJCaLSlEFWSAaBOW: And what're the chances that he's weading this wight now?

Knight: Slim to none, but it still exists...And stop speaking like Elmer Fudd, dammit!

SMoTVTDiJCaLSlEFWSAaBOW: Why should I? Uh-huh-huh-huh-huh...

Knight & Dark Side: ...

Garet: Hey, Isaac, I got a question for you.

Isaac: Shoot.

Garet: (blows a hole in the floor with his gunarm) I like this.

Isaac: 0_0

Garet: Hey, you told me to shoot.

Isaac: -_-

Garet: Anyway, seriously, was there anyone from Soldier fighting us today?

Isaac: There were the Aleph grunts.

Garet: I mean the _group_ Soldier. You know, the one that's normally CAPITALIZED for absolutely no reason.

Isaac: Oh, _that_ group Soldier.

Garet: Yeah, you know, the one you quit?

Isaac: Yeah, that group Soldier...

(Such intelligent conversations...)

Isaac: Why, thank you. Anyway, no, there was not anyone from Soldier fighting us today.

Garet: Really.

Isaac: Really. If there were, you'd be dead right now.

(Pause. Even the NPToTV and the SMoTVTDiJCaLSlEFWSAaBOW aren't saying anything.)

Garet: Don't you get all bigheaded just because you were in Soldier!

Isaac: Well, I _am_ pretty strong. You gotta admit that.

Garet: No doubt. Probably everyone in Soldier is. But you're working for Avalanche now! Don't you dare get any ideas of hanging on to Aleph!

Isaac: (snorts) Hanging on to Aleph? You asked me a question and I answered it. Sheesh. (Turns towards the pinball elevator) I'm going upstairs. I want to talk about my money.

Jenna: (suddenly drops down) Isaac...?

Garet: Let him go, Jenna. Looks like he misses the Aleph corporation...

Isaac: Miss it? (lets out a very convincing devil-may-care laugh) I don't care about Aleph or Soldier. (waves a hand carelessly) But don't get me wrong. I don't care about Avalanche or Weyard for that matter. (He goes up on the pinball elevator)

Dora: (thinking) It's just the script...just the script...it _is_ just the script, right? (checks the script) Yeah, it's just the script. Phew.

Dark Side: (to Knight) What's with the absence of humor all of a sudden?

Knight: (to Dark Side) I suck at writing humor. You know that. The reader knows it. I put it up at the beginning of this chapter for crying out loud.

Dark Side: (to Knight) Yeah, but one could accuse us of just cut-and-pasting the Golden Sun characters into FF7...

Knight: (to Dark Side) ...That _is_ what we're doing. Besides, this can't be _entirely_ humorous.

Dark Side: (to Knight) Yeah, but...

Knight: Just shut up and let's get on with the scene...

(Upstairs, Isaac's about to head outside when Jenna climbs up.)

Jenna: Isaac, c'mon. Why won't you join us?

Isaac: ...It's not my problem.

Jenna: Isaac, Weyard is dying. Slowly but surely, it's dying.

Felix (backstage): Wait, this sounds familiar...

Picard (backstage): Yes, it does! Did this FF7 rip off our game or what?!

Knight: ...Or what, Picard. FF7 came out about six or seven years before Lost Age.

Felix & Picard (both backstage): (stunned into silence)

Isaac: I'm not going to comment...(turns to leave) Look, I'll let Garet and his buddies do something about it. Like I said, not my problem.

Jenna: So you're really leaving? You're walking right out ignoring your childhood friend?

Isaac: Hm, lemme think...Yep, sounds about right.

Jenna: ...You forgot the promise, didn't you.

Isaac: Promise? What promise?

Jenna: Yeah, you forgot. -_- Seven years ago, at the well in Vale...

Isaac: Wait, there _is_ a well in Vale? What's Vale, anyway?

Mia (backstage): ...I was right. We _do_ need to work on his memory. _

Isaac: (plugs his ears) I didn't hear that...

Jenna: As I was saying...(pulls Isaac's fingers out of his ears) The well, in Vale, seven years ago. You asked me to come out and meet you.

Isaac: ......Oh! _That_ well!

Jenna: Yes, _that_ well...sigh.

(Scene: Seven years ago, at the well in Vale. Obviously. Fourteen-year-old Isaac-)

Isaac: Wait a second, I'm seventeen now! How can I be fourteen in the flashback if it's seven years ago?

(Your character is twenty-one.)

Isaac: Ohhhh...

(ANYWAY, fourteen-year-old Isaac [a.k.a., the Isaac at the very, _very_ beginning of Golden Sun] is sitting on the well. Eventually, thirteen-year-old Jenna-)

Jenna: I'm seventeen-

(Same principle. Your character is twenty. Will you let me finish?!)

Jenna: Sorry...

(Thank you. Thirteen-year-old Jenna appears and sits down next to Isaac)

Thirteen-year-old Jenna: Sorry I'm late...What did you want to talk to me about?

Fourteen-year-old Isaac: Come this spring...I'm leaving for Tolbi...

TYO Jenna: Tolbi? It's not that far away, you know, only takes like ten minutes on the world map-

FYO Isaac: Jenna.

TYO Jenna & Jenna: Yes?

FYO Isaac: The _smaller_ Jenna.

TYO Jenna: Yes?

FYO Isaac: Say your real line.

TYO Jenna: You're no fun. :p But yeah, all the boys are leaving...

FYO Isaac: Yeah, but I'm not gonna be like the others...I'm going to join Soldier. (He stands up) I'm going to be the best there is, just like Saturos.

TYO Jenna: Saturos...the Great Saturos?

(Pause.)

Both versions of Isaac & both versions of Jenna: WAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA!!

(All the other Adepts are laughing as well, even the Proxians, Knight, and Dark Side, with the one exception obviously being...)

Saturos: (backstage, throwing up his arms) Alright, I get it, I GET IT! I'm not so great! I admit it, so SHUT UP!

Isaac: (calming down and wiping his eyes on his sleeve) Sorry, but calling you the "great Saturos..." (sniggers) Even if you didn't say that at the Mercury Lighthouse, that's just too funny...

TYO Jenna: I know, seriously...(is almost drowning in her tears of laughter)

Knight: Meh, not really. I personally found him to be the second hardest boss in Golden Sun.

Saturos: (backstage) HA! See?! Someone who acknowledges my strength!

Knight: ...on my first run-through. On every subsequent run-through, he was cake.

Saturos: (backstage, now fuming) Why's everyone so _mean_ to me...?

Dark Side: 'Cause you're just so darn makefunofable. (holds up sign that says "That word doesn't belong to us. Don't sue.")

FYO Isaac: Eh, I hate to say this, but maybe we should continue our conversation.

Jenna: Spoilsport. Mini-me, punch him, will you?

TYO Jenna: Okay! (punches FYO Isaac on the shoulder)

FYO Isaac: Ow! Jeez...!

Dark Side: Alright, this is getting too weird...Just get on with the scene...

FYO Isaac: Yeah...right...

TYO Jenna: (giggles) Um...isn't it hard to join Soldier?

FYO Isaac: Yeah. I probably won't be able to come back for a while.

(Pause)

TYO Jenna: Will you be in the newspapers if you do well?

FYO Isaac: You mean Weyard Weekly? (suddenly gets a large bruise out of nowhere) OW! Who did that?!

Dark Side: (raising hand as sword scabbard comes flying back like a boomerang) Me. I don't like shameless plugs.

Knight: But that fanfic's funny, you gotta admit...

Dark Side: Yes, but we don't need any more diversions from the topic at hand.

Knight: ...You made a semi-shameless plug yourself with the word "makefunofable..."

Dark Side: ...That wasn't a plug, it's one _word_. How can that be a plug if chances are no one is going to read the story it came from, _and_ we don't mention the title?

Garet: (backstage, currently) Um, guys? Can we get on with the story?

Knight: ...whoops...

FYO Isaac: Well, whatever. I might be in the papers.

TYO Jenna: Hey, can we make a promise?

(Pause.)

FYO Isaac: That...was...rather sudden.

TYO Jenna: Yes, it was. Can we?

FYO Isaac: Maybe. What is it?

TYO Jenna: Um...if I'm ever in trouble...or something like that...and you're really famous...I want you to come rescue me...

(Pause.)

FYO Isaac: Why me?

TYO Jenna: I just want to experience being rescued by my hero...at least once.

FYO Isaac: ...?

TYO Jenna: Just promise me, alright?

FYO Isaac: (sigh) Alright. I promise.

Isaac: Of course, if I had said anything else at the time, she would have clobbered me. OW!

Jenna: (just clobbered Isaac) And yet I did so anyway. Funny how things work out.

(Scene: Back in the 7th Heaven bar. I know you don't like the show, Dark Side, so not a word.)

Dark Side: Damn.

Jenna: You remember now, don't you?

Isaac: Remember? Me? I'm supposed to be like the most amnesiac hero in Final Fantasy! I don't remember jack **** about my past!

Knight: Isaac, are you reading ahead in the script?

Isaac: (sweatdrop) Sorry.

Knight: Just don't do it again...

Jenna: So as I was saying, you remember the promise, so you still have to keep it...

Isaac: I'm not a hero and I'm not famous. I can't keep it in the _first_ place.

Jenna: But you got your childhood dream, didn't you? You joined Soldier...

Isaac: Actually, I-_ow_!

Dark Side: (recovers sword scabbard again) There might be the occasional odd person who's reading this who hasn't played FF7.

Knight: Oh, _that's_ likely.

Dark Side: One of your _first_ reviewers said he hasn't played it...

Knight: ...Stop clouding the issue with facts.

Isaac: Look...Maybe I did join Soldier, but...

(At that point, Garet climbs up)

Garet: Wait, Mr. Big-time. A promise is a promise, so here. (tosses 1500 coins to Isaac)

Isaac: What...this is my pay? Don't make me laugh.

Jenna: ...?

Isaac: You got the next mission lined up? I'll do it for 3000.

Garet: Say _what_?!

Isaac: I'm a mercenary, genius. Maybe I'll take a slight reduction, but that's it.

Garet: (seems to be considering this) Two thousand.

Ivan & Sheba: HAPPY NEW YEAR! (fireworks go off)

Knight: ...I _thought_ they were oddly quiet. Dark Side?

Dark Side: I'm on it. (Casts Liquifier on Ivan and Sheba, sending them scurrying backstage) Wasn't that an actual riff used in an MST of FF7?

Knight: Yep. We're _so_ dead. (hides sign that says "Don't sue me!")

Jenna: (stifling giggles) So, will you take it, Isaac?

Isaac: Yeah, yeah, sure...

(Scene: The next day. Isaac takes the pinball elevator up to the main floor of the bar. Jenna and Garet are already there.)

Garet: Hey. The next target's the No. 5 Reactor. Get to the station first and I'll fill you in on the train.

Isaac: Uh-huh.

(Silence.)

Garet: This is sounding very spontaneous, but I don't know how to use Materia.

Isaac: Neither do I.

Garet: They told you to read the script.

(Silence.)

Dark Side: (groans) Okay, look, there's Materia slots in your weapon and armor. You put green Materia orbs in to gain the ability or abilities it grants, like Cure. And they can be leveled up in a way. By fighting enough battles, it'll grow levels and give you abilities like Cure2 and Cure3. Summons are self-explanatory, Independent does weird stuff like increase your HP and whatnot, Support, when linked with magic or summons, can do things like absorb HP or affect all targets when that thing is cast, and Command gives you extra commands in battle like stealing. Is that simple enough for you to understand?

Isaac & Garet: I resent that!

Dark Side: I know you do. Do you understand it?

Isaac: More or less...

Garet: About as much as I understand the square root of negative one.

(Pause.)

Knight: It's _i_.

Garet: Really? _I_ for Isaac?

Knight: No, _i_ for imaginary number. Just get moving.

Isaac: Right.

Jenna: And you're not leaving without me. I'm coming along.

Isaac: Well, of course there's no stopping you now that you've said this. (Pause.) Wait, me, Garet, and Jenna? Why does this sound so familiar?

Knight: I can tell ya that the No. 5 Reactor is not like Sol Sanctum in any way, shape, or form.

Isaac: Okay, good. I was starting to have deja vu.

Dark Side: Ah, yes, deja vu, the strange feeling that you've experienced something like this before.

Knight: Ah, yes, deja vu, the strange feeling that you've experienced something like this before.

Dark Side: Ah, yes, deja vu...

Knight: A glitch in the Matrix...

Adepts: _

Knight & Dark Side: What?

Garet: None of that was funny.

Knight: Shut up.

Jenna: So, we're leaving now, right? Hey, Megan, take care of the place while we're gone!

Megan: (still looking extremely tipsy) Okay! (hiccup) Ooh, look, I can blow bubbles into the pwetty water...

Garet: Are you _sure_ it's a good idea to leave the shop in a drunken little girl's hands?

Jenna: Oh, she's too tipsy to get herself into any trouble anyway.

Isaac: Jenna, people being tipsy are the main _cause_ of trouble in a place like this.

Jenna: You have now lost all speaking privileges.

Isaac: I-(his mouth keeps moving, but he makes no sound) !!!

Dark Side: ...The power of the female. That must've been how he was mute in the first game...

Jenna: Alright, Dark Side, now _you_ have lost all speaking privileges.

Dark Side: Say wha-(again, mouth keeps moving, but no sound is made) !!! (starts making very rude gestures at Jenna)

Knight: (sighs and cures both sudden muteness victims with author powers) I would recommend not doing that again, Jenna.

Jenna: And who says I have to take your recommendation?

Knight: Isaac's big-ass sword does.

Jenna: HA! I am woman! This "big-ass sword" you speak of shall have no effect on me!

Knight: ...I'm...going to pretend she didn't say that...

Isaac: I'm scared now. 0_0

(Scene: On the train. Kyle, Dora, and Hsu are in the car up ahead, while Isaac, Garet, and Jenna are in the car at the very end of the train. Garet scares everyone away except for one person dressed in Aleph uniform. By the way, he's Random GS NPC #1.)

Random GS NPC #1, a.k.a. Aleph Employee: Oh boy...those guys look like trouble...why does this always happen to me...

Garet: (runs past AE as he sits down, and starts looking around wildly at the end of the car) You say something? (looks around again) I said, you say something? (Pause) I said, "I said, you say something?" (Turns around and walks right up to AE) Well, would you look at that! It's empty all of a sudden! Now why would you suppose that is?

Aleph Employee: Um...(shivers as Garet glares at him) It's empty...'cause...of hoodlums...like you...

Garet: (slams his gunarm down on the back of the bench, making AE jump again)

Aleph Employee: Eep!

(Pause)

Aleph Employee: Haven't you seen the news? Avalanche says there'll be more bombings...

Isaac: We have? What, were we at a press conference or something in our sleep? OW! (unexpectedly falls unconscious when Jenna smacks him over the head)

Aleph Employee: ...Only devoted employees like me would go to Aleph HQ on a day like today...

Garet: Ah. So you work for Aleph?

Aleph Employee: (quite stubbornly) I'm not giving in to violence. And I'm not giving you my seat, either!

Garet: When the _hell_ did I say I wanted your seat?

Jenna: Garet...just get back here...

Garet: (glares at Aleph Employee as he stalks off to the back of the car)

Isaac: (who was just revived by Knight's author powers) So, what're we doing now?

Garet: ...What are you so calm about? You're busting up my rhythm...

Knight: Bewaaaaarrrreee the rhhhhyyyythmmmm...or the groove, whatever-OW!

Dark Side: (catches sword scabbard again) One more The Emperor's New Groove reference and I'll force you to watch it seventeen times in a row.

Knight: WAGH! Anything but THAT!

Dark Side: How about forcing you to play through Bomberman Hero's entire 1-player mode? Or how about forcing you to finish Mario Party 4's story mode with everyone?

Knight: ...I'd...take Emperor's New Groove...

Dark Side: I thought so.

(Train suddenly starts moving.)

Jenna: Seems like they just finished connecting the cars. We're finally leaving.

Isaac: So, again, what're we doing now? What's our next target?

Garet: Mr. Serious-about-his-work all of a sudden...Alright. Dora's probably already told you-

Isaac: Nope, I skipped that conversation.

Garet: ...I hate you. Anyway, there's a security checkpoint at the top plate. It's an ID scan system checking all the trains.

Jenna: Which Aleph is very proud of.

Garet: And we can't use our fake ID's anymore...

(Pause)

Isaac: And you didn't say anything about that before, _WHY_?!

Jenna: Plot device.

Isaac: I thought plot devices were supposed to help?!

Freaky Announcer Voice Thingy: Good morning, and welcome to Tolbi Airline...wait, sorry, Tolbi Lines. This is a train, dammit...that's the second time this week I've done that... We'll be arriving at Sector 4 at 11:45.

Jenna: Hm. So we only have three more minutes to the ID checkpoint.

Isaac: ...The ID checkpoint, not the station.

Jenna: Yes.

Isaac: ...How did you figure that out?

Jenna: Plot device.

Isaac: I'll smack you over the head if you say "plot device" again.

Jenna: You have now lost all moving privileges.

Isaac: What? (suddenly finds that he's paralyzed stiff) HEY!

Jenna: Mwa ha ha ha ha...

Knight: (uses author powers to unfreeze Isaac) I'd really stop that if I were you, Jenna. We wouldn't want to hold up this story too much.

Jenna: We don't? (Knight groans)

Garet: So, in three minutes, we're jumping off this train.

Isaac: ...But what if we don't end up where we want to be?

Garet: We'll use a plot device, Isaac...

Isaac: ...I'm going to shut up now and not provoke any of you into saying "plot device."

Garet & Jenna: (evil grins) Plot device plot device PLOT DEVICE!

Isaac: ARRGGHH!! (curls up into a ball and starts whimpering)

(Silence.)

(Alarms go off.)

Jenna: Wha? It's early!

FAVT: Unauthorized ID found. Whoever is in possession of those unauthorized ID's, please stay still while we send authorities to apprehend you and send you off to prison. Have a nice day.

Isaac: What...have a nice day? HAVE A NICE DAY?! AHHHHHHHHH!!! LEMME OUT OF HERE!! (dives out the closed window, shattering it in the process)

Adepts (sans Isaac, obviously), Knight, and Dark Side: 0_0

Jenna: Well, he jumped off the train. Guess we should follow his lead.

Garet: I suppose. (Opens the door and jumps out, with Jenna behind him.)

(Scene: In a tunnel. Isaac is on the ground, twitching violently. Garet and Jenna are standing over him, shaking their heads.)

Garet: What do you have against the words "have a nice day"?

Isaac: AHHH!! (stands up and claps hand over Garet's mouth) Do not speak the phrase! The phrase is _eeeeviiilllll_...evil like weevil beetles...

Garet & Jenna: (_huge_ sweatdrop)

Knight: I think I get his logic. For me, every time the phrase was said, the day that followed was absolutely horrific.

Isaac: Yes! Yes, that's it exactly! If I weren't straight I'd kiss you!

Everyone except Isaac: 0_0

Dark Side: AGH! BAD IMAGE! _BAD_ IMAGE!! OUT OF MY HEAD!! (starts whacking his own head with the blunt side of the sword)

Knight: ...Isaac?

Isaac: Yes?

Knight: (waves hand) You have now lost all speaking privileges.

Isaac: Wha-(You know the drill.) !!! ... . .. . ...!

Jenna: Hey, I thought I was the only one who could do that!

Mia: (backstage) I could do it too...I think any woman can do it to any boy.

Sheba: (backstage) And I'll prove it! Felix has lost all speaking privileges!

Felix: (yep, backstage) Hu-(Take a guess. Just guess.) !!! (starts making rude gestures)

Sheba: (backstage, removing Felix's muteness) That's how _he_ was mute in TLA!

Jenna: Wait...waaaaiiiit a minute...does that mean Knight's actually a gi-

Knight: (turning red) NO! I'm the author! I have author powers! That's how I did it!

Jenna: Sure, whatever you say...

Knight: ...Just get on with the level before you make me kill you...

Jenna: Sure, like you could.

Dark Side: (is now twitching on ground) I'm scarred for life...

(To make another long story short, they head through the first half of the reactor, meeting weak enemies, Isaac's re-found muteness, and Kyle, Dora, and Hsu. How _they_ got there is beyond the author's concern.)

Garet: We haven't said much, have we?

Isaac: ............

Garet: I thought so.

Isaac: ......

Knight: Does anyone know what he's thinking?

Ivan: (backstage, reading Isaac's mind) Oh, something along the lines of murdering you.

Isaac: (nods)

Knight: I thought so...You do realize if you murder me, the backbone of this little world I created, it's going to collapse with you and all your friends in it?

Isaac: ...... (thinking) Sadist...

Ivan: (backstage, reading Isaac's mind again) Yes. Yes, he is.

Knight: Hm? Yes, I am what?

Ivan: (backstage) Oh, nothing...

(They head through the second half of the reactor. Isaac notes that it looks exactly like the second half of the first reactor, but he cannot point this out.)

Isaac: .... ........ (thinking) Damn straight...

(They get to the reactor core. And Isaac suddenly falls over, clutching his head)

Garet: What? I didn't do anything, I swear!

(When Isaac looks up, he sees a different reactor core, and a five-year-younger Jenna kneeling over Random GS NPC #2 and a wound in said NPC's stomach.)

FYY Jenna: Papa? (she examines the wound) Saturos...did Saturos do this to you...? 

(Long pause.)

FYY Jenna: Saturos, Soldier, Alchemy Reactors, Aleph...they're all evil...I hate them all...(she grabs a really long sword and runs forward into another room)

Random GS NPC #2: Wait...I'm not quite dead yet...

(Isaac blacks out again, and when he wakes up, he finds himself back in the original reactor core.)

Isaac: The hell...?! Wait, I'm speaking again!

Knight: Yeah, you have lines for this scene. Just don't press your luck again.

Isaac: Okay! ^_^ But what was that all about?

Jenna: What was _what_ all about? C'mon, just set up us the bomb.

Dark Side: (glares at Knight again)

Knight: What? (checks script) _I_ didn't put it in there, the line looks normal...(glares at Jenna)

Jenna: Sorry! Couldn't resist. ^_^

Garet: ...Listen to her, Isaac. You set up the bomb.

Isaac: Why me?

Jenna: You're the main character.

Garet: And we like being sadistic to the main character.

Isaac: ...Is that why Cloud has all these freaky flashbacks? Because FF7's script writer liked being sadistic to the main character?

Dark Side: Probably...

Isaac: Grumble grumble, mutter mutter, destroy, have a nice day...(plants bomb on reactor and sets the timer) Wait, where's the game timer?

Knight: For some odd reason it's not there.

Isaac: ...So technically, I could set this bomb to blow up in three seconds, but it still won't blow up until we leave.

Dark Side: Most likely. I wouldn't try pushing your luck though.

Isaac: Okay...

(To make another long story short [i.e., to show off the author's laziness], they head back through the reactor, and Garet and Jenna now ignore Isaac when he points out how similar it is to the first. Eventually they reach a room with three big buttons on a table.)

Jenna: Ah, I remember this. Dora said something like we have to push all three buttons at the same time...

Garet: Oooohh, pretty...(starts randomly pressing the buttons, a childish look of amusement on his face.)

Jenna: ...Um, Garet?

Isaac: Shiny. I like shinys. Shinys are shiny. (starts examining buttons with a magnifying glass)

Jenna: ...Isaac?

Garet: (throws himself onto the buttons) Hey, it's not a very comfortable bed! FALSE ADVERTISING!

Isaac: (smacks Garet over the head) You idiot! I was...(dramatic pause) _examining_ those!

(A hiss comes from the room next door.)

Isaac & Garet: ...We didn't do nothing...

Jenna: (checking the room next door) ...except open the door leading out of here! Brilliant!

Isaac & Garet: We did?

Jenna: ...Alright, that's it. You two follow me.

Isaac & Garet: Yes ma'am! (snap salutes and march behind Jenna as she leads them to the bridge outside.)

(...where they are surrounded by Aleph guards on either side)

Garet: What the _hell_?!

Isaac: That was rather spontaneous...

Old Man Voice: No, soldiers, do not shoot. I wish to speak with them.

Isaac: Wait...that voice...

(They whirl around to see an old man with a cane coming out of the reactor.)

Isaac: President Babi!

Garet: President?! Since when did he become _president_?

Knight: Since I decided that he'd be a perfect fit for President Shinra.

Alex: (backstage-wow, he hasn't said much, has he?) But I thought he was dead? I confirmed it myself...

Felix: (backstage) Oh, you confirmed it yourself, eh Alex?

Alex: (backstage) Wait, wait...I didn't mean anything like that, I mean I just heard from a reliable source that he was dead...

Felix: (backstage) Yeah, sure...

Babi: My will to live is stronger than you may think, you young whippersnappers.

Felix & Alex: (backstage) Whippersnappers?! Let's see you say that again, /-\55|-|0|_3! (Felix draws the Sol Blade, Alex raises a hand to strike with Alchemy)

Knight: Look, I don't like him either, but like I said, he's a perfect fit for President Shinra. And _I_ revived him for this.

Babi: How dare you not acknowledge my superiority!

Isaac: ...Can I kill him?

Knight: Later. Just get on with the stupid scene...

Babi: And why should I listen to you, young'un? (suddenly finds a sword at his throat)

Dark Side: (is the one holding the sword) Because if you don't, you'll die a second time. And keep in mind I have fire spells, and I can cast them from behind the camera.

Babi: ...

Knight: Good boy.

Sheba: (backstage) Booya! Evil git gets what he deserves!

Isaac: Heh...

Babi: (reluctantly, as though he has somewhere else to be) So, you must be that terrorist group...what did you call it?

Garet: Avalanche! And don't you forget it!

Isaac: (walks forward a bit, past Garet) Long time no see, _President_. (Sarcasm drips heavily from the last word)

Babi: Long time no...Ah. You must be the one who quit Soldier and joined Avalanche. Tell me, what is your name?

Isaac: Isaac...

Babi: Ah, yes...Forgive me for asking that, but I am not expected to remember everyone's name. Unless you become another Saturos...(He's still saying all this reluctantly, by the way, and he's not being in-character by doing so) Ah, yes, Saturos...He was brilliant. Perhaps too brilliant...

Isaac: ...Saturos...?

Garet: (shoves Isaac out of the way and shakes his gunarm at Babi) I don't give a damn about any of that! Pretty soon this place is gonna go up in flames! Serves you right, bastard!

Babi: And such a waste of fireworks, just to get rid of vermin like you...

Garet: Vermin? That all you can say? You Aleph people are the vermin, killing the planet! And that makes you King Vermin! So shut up!

Babi: You are beginning to bore me. I'm a very busy man, so if you'll excuse me, I have a dinner to attend.

Garet: ...Dinner? What the HELL?!

Babi: Plus, I have arranged a playmate for you all...

Isaac: Oh, AGH! BAD IMAGE! (Jenna smacks him over the head) OW!

(A robot with a jet-pack thingy arrives, swerving around Garet and Jenna.)

Garet: What the hell is this?!

Babi: Airbuster, a techno-soldier. Our weapon development department created him. I'm sure the data he'll extract from your dead bodies will be of great use to us in future experiments.

Isaac: ...Sometimes, I wonder which is the more evil in RPGs, science or religion...(draws his big sword)

Babi: Now, then, if you'll excuse me...(Mini-Lemurian flying ship appears, Babi gets on, and he leaves as Isaac makes a very rude gesture at him)

Garet: Um, Isaac...

Isaac: What? (turns to see Airbuster cornering Garet and Jenna) Oh...

Jenna: Is this from Soldier or something?

Isaac: Nope, just a machine. Let's take it.

(Battle transition! Airbuster appeared!)

Isaac: What the? What's with this setup?

(Garet and Jenna are on one side of the Airbuster, and Isaac is behind it.)

Garet: Wait, we have him surrounded!

Dark Side: Exactly. And remember I said earlier that attacks from behind deal more damage?

Isaac: ...SWEET! (casts Bolt on Airbuster, dealing somewhere around 150-200 damage) MWA HA HA!

(As Airbuster turns around to face Isaac, Jenna punches it in the back, making it turn around again. It hits Garet with a round of bullets, and hits Isaac with the guns on its back)

Isaac: Guns on its back?! That's not fair! (he and Garet are suddenly surrounded by little green lights) What was that?

Jenna: Cure. The Final Fantasy version. (She's the one who just cast it, thanks to the Restore Materia in her glove.)

Isaac: Cool. (He uses Braver on Airbuster's back, and after it turns around, Garet smacks it in the back with a Big Shot. Both of their Limit Breaks became active when they were hit, obviously)

(...And Airbuster starts staggering)

Isaac: What? (counts off on his fingers) It went down in FOUR HITS! What kinda pathetic boss is that?! _None_ of the bosses in Golden Sun went down in four hits if they weren't summon rushed!

Dark Side: It's very pathetic, yeah. I think it's the easiest boss in the game...

(Airbuster suddenly explodes, taking a part of the walkway in it. Isaac is thrown up into the air by the explosion, and Garet and Jenna aren't. Isaac manages to grab on to a piece of shrapnel from the remains of the walkway.)

Isaac: Wait, how come _I_ was thrown into this position and Garet and Jenna didn't even get hit by the explosion?

Jenna: Isaac...

Isaac: Yeah, yeah, right...Plot device.

(Reactor suddenly starts shaking violently)

Garet: It's gonna blow! Let's move it, Jenna!

Jenna: But what about Isaac?

Garet: Hey, if I could hold on for fifteen minutes at Jupiter Lighthouse, he can hold on for just as long.

Jenna: But you said it yourself, the reactor's gonna blow in a bit...

Garet: Well...um..._damn_! I can't do a thing!

Isaac: (is slipping) Hey! Little help here?!

Garet: Didn't you hear me? I can't do anything! (Pause) You gonna be okay?

Isaac: ...Just get out of here. Actually, chances are I'll survive. Remember, falling off cliffs is an excellent _cure_ for injuries...

Jenna: Oh, yeah...If someone is shot, stabbed, mangled, and then tossed off a cliff, he'll return later perfectly unharmed...

Isaac: Exactly. I'll be fine, just get out of here.

(At that moment, the reactor starts exploding, and Isaac loses his grip, falling into the slums below...)

Knight: Aaaaaaaand...Cut!

Isaac: (frozen in midair) _What_?! You're cutting it _there_? _Just_ when I'm falling?

Knight: Yep. You said yourself you'll be fine...

Isaac: (still frozen in midair) Doesn't mean this is a very comfortable position!

Knight: :p Too bad.

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Knight: ...6000 words for this chapter. Is that too much? Well, not much else to say. Review, or, um...

Isaac: (yep, still frozen in midair) Guys? Hello? Still up here! Someone help! I HATE CLIFFHANGERS!

Knight: ...or you'll be frozen in midair next to Isaac?

Isaac: (in a position to play poker with the birds) HEY!

Dark Side: ...That's gotta be the most pathetic "get-'em-to-review" threat I've ever heard...

Knight: Yep. Just review. See ya next chapter.


	4. The Flower Girl, More Plot Devices, Chee...

No, people, despite what you may have thought, I'm _not_ dead. ^_^ *hears a chorus of "Darn it!"* Aw, come on, you didn't _really_ mean that, did you? *Crickets chirp* -_-

Yeah, I've been idle for a long time, and that's mainly due to my being a selfish bastard. _ But aside from that, I got three new games, two for the PS2 (Soul Calibur II and Megaman X7) and one for the GameCube (Mario Kart: Double Dash!!), school started driving us into overtime, my friend let me borrow Final Fantasy X (and about gosh darn time, too), the bonus disk included with Mario Kart had Sonic Heroes on it, and I got the hell out of the GameFAQs GS: TLA board...Why, you ask? Let me put it to you this way: You know the flame wars with Royal Swordsman here? It was _worse_ over there...

Anyway, the responses...

Lightningfencer00fuzz: Sorry, but I consider "too late" to be after I've already referred to them. Not to say I don't like the names of ADEPT and QUAKE, and QUAKE's a hell of a lot easier to type than AVALANCHE...Damn, I really wish you were on hand when I first started this little cauldron of insanity...So sorry...(cringes)

Omniflyer: Evil cliffhanger? I didn't think it was _that_ evil, seeing as how maybe 99% of the people reading this already know Isaac's going to survive, and even that 1% knows he will, because then the story would just kinda end earlier than we need it to. ^_^ And by the way, you would be on my Favorite Authors list if I actually bothered to put names on it. No, really.

unicornfan (Chapter 1): (runs away from the Mia in the review) Wait, WAIT! I already explained it! YOUR _CHARACTER_ IS GOING TO DIE, NOT YOU! DON'T KILL MEEEEEEE!!

unicornfan (Chapter 3): (edges back into view _sloooowly_, so as not to attract Mia's attention) Way too long? Well, this chapter is probably going to be _as_ long. Sorry...I kinda set a standard for myself, I usually try to go for at least 3000-4000 words a chapter...This was recently implemented, mind you, so my earlier fics are much shorter...

Antisocial: Yes, 8-Bit Theater _does_ rule, doesn't it? Brian Clevinger's got an amazing sense of humor.../suck-up

Shadowthewindadept: True, without FF7 Golden Sun probably would never have existed. But my opinion still stands. ^_^ A few more changes to the game, I can do. Notice how I say "I can do," _not_ "I can do _well_."

CMAK: Yes, the Grand List of RPG Cliches rules. Less of me and Dark Side, though? Given how often the Adepts piss us off, I doubt that's possible! ^_^ However, I will try to make less appearances. Plus, I read one review of a parody that said it's not a good idea to appear every five lines, so...yeah, apparently, you had the right idea.

Icy Cake: Glad you think so! ^_^ And here's the update.

KayteeLern: (blink blink) Didn't I tell you _not_ to review my stuff? Not that I dislike you, but because of the fact that you may have certain...what would you call them...biases? You know, being my sister and all? (pause) So, do you like it or not? I can't tell by your review...And if you can't tell what's going on, maybe you should start convincing me to let you play Golden Sun again...wait, did I just say that? I did NOT just say that! I did _NOT_ give you that idea! 0_0

Ookami MX: By my count, it's about...When did I last update? September 13-ish, right? So that would...yeah, that would be about two months and a week. Don't worry, here it is. (And by the way, like I said above, my friend let me borrow FFX [and I beat it in a week and a half! GO ME!], so now when I read your parody I actually know what's going on! W00T! *eats a muffin*)

Knight: Well, everyone, thanks very much. (tosses out cookies to all reviewers) And, without further ado...

Isaac: (_is_ playing poker with the birds) Wait, we're starting?

Dark Side: Yep.

Isaac: (drops the cards, and they fall all the way down into the slums, and the birds grab all the chips and fly away) FINALLY! This position is killing me!

Knight: You were still able to move around and stuff...

Isaac: Yeah, well, _you_ try sleeping in zero gravity with nothing solid to hold on to...

Dark Side: Do we still have to do these? You KNOW he doesn't own Golden Sun or Final Fantasy VII, right? And you also know they're owned by Camelot and Squaresoft (now Square Enix) respectively, right? If you answered no to both, you really are an idiot.

Knight: ...Alright, let's go. ACTION!

Isaac: FinaAHHHHH!!! (suddenly starts falling again)

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(Sc-

_CRAAASSSHH!!_

(...You know it's a bad day when the stage directions are interrupted. [thwacks head on-agsdlpk-keyboard] ANYWAY, Scene: In a church, although Isaac doesn't know that yet.)

Isaac: (dazed) I do now...

(Shut up. He sees nothing but black)

Isaac: (sees nothing but black) I sense an echo...

???: You alright?

Isaac: Wha?! Who the hell are you?

???: Back then...you just got by with skinned knees...

Isaac: What the hell are you talking about? What do you mean "back then"?

???: What about now? Can you get up?

Isaac: Would you mind answering _my_ questions?!

???: Don't worry about me. You just worry about yourself now.

Isaac: ...Yeah, sure, I'll worry about myself since I'm hearing voices in my head who refuse to answer questions...

Girl's Voice: Oh! He moved!

Isaac: Hm?

Girl's Voice: Hello?

(The scene fades in, and we see Isaac on his back amidst a bed of flowers. Mia is standing nearby, looking down at him with a worried look on her face)

(We're not supposed to know she's Mia, though, so for maybe six lines we'll call her Flower Girl. Do not ask.)

Dark Side: What's the point?

(I _said_ DON'T ASK!)

Dark Side: 0_0 Okay, then. Whatever you say.

(Mwa ha ha ha ha.)

Isaac: ...I am now getting freaked out. _I'll_ ask: Who the heck are you?

(Me? [Isaac nods] I'm the almighty Stage Direction Entity. And I have no physical form, so I cannot be touched and I speak in parenthesis instead of in script form like the rest of you. Mwa ha ha.)

Isaac: Uh...huh.

Flower Girl: You okay?

Isaac: ...Yeah, perfectly fine, I only fell about twenty feet, froze in midair for a few months, and then fell the rest of the way to the ground crashing through...the roof of something. (Pause) Where am I?

Flower Girl: A church in the Sector 5 slums...You seem to be okay, though. The roof and flower bed must have broken your fall...

Isaac: Flower bed...? (suddenly notices the flower bed he's on) Ah, crap... (jumps to his feet and quickly backpedals off) Sorry about that...

Flower Girl: No, it's okay. These flowers are quite resilient because this is a sacred place...(starts absentmindedly tending to a patch) They say you can't grow grass and flowers and things like that in Tolbi, but for some reason you can here...

Isaac: ...Well, isn't that convenient...

Flower Girl: Say, do you remember me?

Isaac: (sighs) Yes, I remember you. You sold a flower to me. For one coin.

Flower Girl: Heh...yes, I suppose I did.

Isaac: I'm still at a loss to see how you make a living on _one coin per sale_.

Flower Girl: And like I said, it's something we'll have to ask Aeris should we ever meet her.

(Silence as she tends to her flowers some more)

Flower Girl: Say, do you have any Materia?

Isaac: I...think...(checks the two slots in his sword, where he suddenly notices for the first time the two green orbs in them) Yeah, some. Nowadays I guess you can find it anywhere. (thinking) Like on the walkway to a reactor core. What the _hell_ was it doing there?

Flower Girl: Mine's special, though. It's good for absolutely nothing.

Isaac: ...Good for nothing? You sure you just don't know how to use it?

Flower Girl: No, I do know how...it just doesn't do anything...

Isaac: ...You know, one of my pet peeves is contradiction.

Flower Girl: (winces) Sorry...I like having it around, though. It was my mother's...(she turns to start on another patch of flowers, when Isaac catches sight of, in her ponytail, the Whi-)

Isaac: Is that the Mercury Star?

Everyone except Isaac: SHHHH!! We're not supposed to know that!

(SHHHH!! We're not supposed to know that!)

Isaac: 0_0 Never...do that...again...

Flower Girl: Do what?

Isaac: Speak...all at once...like that.

Everyone except Isaac: Like _this_?

(Like _this_?)

Isaac: AAAAAGGGGH! (curls up into a ball and starts whimpering)

Jenna: (backstage) I think we just hit on another of his pet peeves! Booya!

Garet: (backstage, cackling madly)

Felix: (backstage, holding up three fingers) So, he hates the phrase "have a nice day," contradiction, and everyone speaking at once. Only seven more to go...

Isaac: You guys are mean...(uncurls reluctantly and stands up) What, may I ask, do you want with a "10 Pet Peeves of Isaac's" list?

Felix: (backstage) Blackmail. What else?

Isaac: ...Figures...(to Flower Girl) Say, I still don't know your name, if I recall correctly...

Mia: Hm, true...I'm Mia the flower girl. Nice to meet you.

Isaac: ...I'm Isaac. Me? I do a little bit of everything. (This last sentence is said as his head swells in size)

Mia: Oh...a jack-of-all-trades, hm?

Isaac: (fortunately for us, knows when one's head has inflated too much) Yeah, I guess...I try to do whatever's needed.

(A fair distance away, someone enters the church accompanied by her bodyguards)

Mia: ...Whatever's needed?

Isaac: Yeah...

Mia: I think I might need a bodyguard now...Can you take me home?

Isaac: ...Okay...fine. But it'll cost you.

Mia: (grinning mischievously) How about I go on a date with you?

Jenna: (backstage) Say _what_?! (suddenly turns into huge flame-breathing horned demon again and looms over the set, particularly Mia)

Mia: (sticks her tongue out at Jenna's demon form) Hey, I thought of it first.

Jenna: (not quite backstage, anymore...) That doesn't mean you will not die a slow and painful death, mortal...

Felix: (backstage, flipping ahead in the script) Hm, interesting how she said "die a slow and painful death" to the person who's playing _Aeris_...

Mia: Did you say something, Felix?

Felix: (backstage, gulping painfully) Uh, no. Not at all. Really. (hides script behind back)

Jenna: (turns back to normal and starts grumbling)

Isaac: ...Um...

Mia: So, again, how about I pay you by going on a date with you?

Jenna: (backstage, is fuming)

Isaac: Um...fine...I guess...

Jenna: (backstage) _Isaac_! (is suddenly thwacked on the head by...) FELIX! What was that for?!

Felix: (backstage) For trying to utterly control Isaac's life. He's seventeen. He does not need you to look out for him.

Jenna: (same) But she's taking the preciousssssss...

Felix: (same; whips out a roll of duct tape and quickly tapes her mouth shut) I _hate_ Gollum. Smeagol. Whatever, just don't _do_ _that_!

Jenna: (same) Mmf. (fumes again)

Knight: (in an eerily-accurate Gollum/Smeagol voice) What? What do you haves againsts the Gollum slash Smeagol voice?

Felix: AHHHH!! (has a sudden seizure and collapses, twitching, on the floor.)

Other Adepts: 0_0

Dark Side: (shaking his head) It freaks me out, too. Just keep going, or he might do it again.

(Isaac walks forward to meet Menardi of Aleph's Turks. Well, they're supposed to be Turks, but for the sake of this being a GS parody of FF7, they're Madrans instead.)

Isaac: I don't know who you are, but...(suddenly looks confused) You don't know me...(The whole place flashes suddenly) Wait...I do know you.

Menardi: ?! Make up your damn mind!

Aleph Soldier #176: Um, Menardi, he seems a little crazy...

Menardi: A _little_ crazy? You _just_ noticed?

Aleph Soldier #941: Hey, it's a rule of thumb. If you're in an RPG army, you're slow to catch on, stupid, and proud of it.

Menardi: ...That explains a lot.

Aleph Soldier #358: Like why our aim sucks, why we can never beat the hero, and why we're vulnerable to status spells unlike every other enemy?

Menardi: Yeah. Like that. (grumble) Anyway, I'm here for the flower girl. So you, Mr. Psycho Blond-

Isaac: You're blonde too.

Menardi: ...Shut...up...Just buzz off.

Isaac: (draws his sword) I think not, Aleph spy.

Aleph Soldier #176: ...Um, Menardi? We're not really going to take him, are we?

Menardi: Why not?

Aleph Soldier #358: Maybe because he has a _fuggin' huge sword_?!

Mia: Wait! Don't fight here, you'll ruin the flowers!

Menardi: (cackles evilly) Like I care about some stupid flowers?

Isaac: (on the other hand, sheathes his sword) Point taken, Mia. Let's get out of here.

Menardi: Wh-(before she can blink, Isaac and Mia have dashed through the back door)-at? Damn! (stomps towards the door, making sure to trample the flowers.) ...Hm. Those eyes had Alchemy in them...You grunts follow me. And make sure not to step on the flowers.

Aleph Soldier #176: I'd point out that she's already done so, but I'm smart enough to _not_ risk her wrath...

Aleph Soldier #941: Wait...you're..._smart_?! (starts crossing himself) BLASPHEMY, I TELLS YE! BLASPHEMY!!

Aleph Soldier #176: Ha...ha...ha...You're _so_ funny... (His voice is dripping with sarcasm)

(In a back room, Isaac and Mia make a bunch of fancy jumps across huge gaps and wide holes in the floor.)

Isaac: How did this area get so...so destroyed?

Mia: Again, something we'll have to ask the real Aeris should we ever meet her...

(They climb a long staircase that leads to the rafters. Or close to it. Isaac jumps a huge gap, but Mia hesitates)

Isaac: Hm? Mia, what's wrong?

Mia: Them. (She points down at Menardi and Aleph Soldiers #176, #358, and #941 entering. The Soldiers aim their machine guns at Mia and start firing.)

(Like #358 pointed out, their aim sucks. However, it's enough to send Mia diving and somehow falling through the gap, sending her back to the floor.)

Isaac: Oh, great...

Menardi: Heh heh...After her, soldiers. Don't let her get away!

Mia: (gets up and starts running back towards the staircase, but the soldiers are gaining on her)

Isaac: Damn...(looks up and sees four conveniently placed barrels) What the hell are they doing there?!

Ivan: (backstage) Two words. Donkey. Kong. (is playing it on a Game Boy Pocket that came from nowhere. It looks suspiciously familiar to Knight.) Damn, I knew Mario was acrobatic, but I never knew he can do all these flips and jumps...

Isaac: Donkey...Kong...OH! (runs up the small staircase to the barrels and pushes one down, crushing Soldier #941 underneath it)

Aleph Soldier #941: ...I'm at a loss to see how a barrel did as much damage as a sword...

Mia: Maybe because it was dropped on you from a hundred feet above! (waves at Isaac to show her thanks and heads towards the staircase again. As she starts up, another barrel crushes #176.)

Aleph Soldier #176: Um, ow? I wonder if this is how Mario felt...

Isaac: MWA HA HA! Ph33r the 1337 powers of Donkey Isaac! (shoves over another barrel, but amazingly enough, #358 dodges it. By jumping, ironically. It's even accompanied by an 8-bit "boiyoiyoing"-like sound.) Oh, crud...

Mia: Eep!

(Battle transition; two Aleph Soldiers appear)

Mia: _What_?! _Two_? But there was _one_ chasing me! What the hey?

Picard: (backstage, surfing the web on a very familiar looking laptop) It appears to be some sort of RPG cliche, though it's usually in effect for the hero..."How Many People You Got in There?" Rule or something...

Mia: Well, whatever. (Tries to cast Ice Missile, but instead a spurt of flame hits one of the soldiers, not even defeating him) What?

Dark Side: No Psynergy...Just Materia and stuff...god, you people have short-term memories...

Mia: Who in their right mind would give me something _fire_-related?!

Jenna: (backstage, though not for long; she suddenly looms over the set again in her demon form. Duct tape's been torn off) And is there something wrong with fire, mortal?

Mia: There is when _I'm_ using it...

Jenna: (same) Oh. Point taken. (turns back to normal)

Isaac: (currently backstage) I _really_ wish she'd stop doing that...

(One of the soldiers attacks with a nightstick. Or whatever that is. Mia dodges and retaliates with a staff whack to the head. He goes down, and after two more castings of Fire, so does the other one.)

Mia: I swear, the _instant_ we find Water or Ice Materia, it's _mine_! (She starts grumbling as she gets up to the rafters where Isaac is)

Isaac: Um, actually, I think one of these is Ice Materia...

Mia: _Really_?! Gimme! (lunges for his sword, pulls out one of the green orbs, and slaps it into her staff.)

Dark Side: My..._god_, that sounded _wrong_! (is suddenly struck by a yellow thunderbolt that came from nowhere) OW-OW-OW-OW-OW! (collapses, twitching)

Mia: ...Well, whatever. It's the right one. _Much_ better.

Isaac: ...I'm one spell less...

Mia: So? ^_^ More magic for me. Magic equals good.

Picard: (backstage, now flipping through the FF7 guide) Actually, there's a disadvantage to equipping too much Materia. Some decrease your strength and HP and stuff like that. Most often the things that do are magic Materia, a.k.a. green...

Mia: ...Oh well. I'm a better spellcaster than fighter anyway. (hums happily as she walks through a hole in the roof)

Isaac: ...See, that's why I'm not interested in any girls...they make no damn sense...

Mia, Jenna, Sheba, Menardi, and Karst: _What was that, foolish mortal?!_ (They _all_ turn into demons and loom over Isaac)

Isaac: 0_0 Meep! Don't hurt me!

Mia, Jenna, Sheba, Menardi, and Karst: Aw, why not?

Felix: (backstage) Because if you do, Mia and Jenna would probably kill the one who did so, even if it was one of them.

Mia, Jenna, Sheba, Menardi, and Karst: ...Oh, fine...(all turn back to normal)

Isaac: ...Right. I'm leaving now. (walks through the hole to meet Mia on the roof)

Dark Side: (waking up) Ow ow ow ow ow...I'm okay...

(And on the roof...)

Mia: Heh...they're looking for me again...

Isaac: Again? That's not the first time?

Mia: No...

Isaac: Huh...They're the Madrans, I think. An organization for Aleph. I think they scout out possible recruits for Soldier.

Mia: ...I doubt they'd be so violent.

Isaac: Wouldn't put it past them. They're involved in a lot of dirty stuff...spying, murder, _throwing innocent people in jail without a trial _(Picard nods fervently in agreement), and the like...(looks at Mia curiously) You know why they're after you?

Mia: (sarcastically) Maybe they think I have what it takes to join Soldier.

Isaac: (just as sarcastically) And maybe Garet will willingly enter a body of water.

Mia: Oooh...(stands up) Well, even if I do, I'm not getting caught by them.

Isaac: Then let's move. (hops off the roof and starts moving among the rubble piled up _really_ high in the Sector 5 slums.)

(After a bit...)

Mia: Wait! For! Me! (she catches up with Isaac, who was ahead of her by leaps and bounds. No pun intended.)

Isaac: Funny how you said _two seconds ago_ you had what it took to join Soldier...

Mia: Meanie.

(Pause.)

Mia: Say, Isaac, you were in Soldier, weren't you?

Isaac: ...Used to, yeah. How did you know? Plot device?

Mia: Actually, it was the eyes. They've got Alchemy in them.

Isaac: They do? So that explains the burning sensation behind them...

Mia: ...I'm not even going to reply to that. C'mon, let's just move. (Pauses as she passes Isaac) _Bodyguard_!

Isaac: Hm? I can't tell if that's a joke or an insult...

Alex: (backstage) Knowing Mia's sense of humor, I hope it was an insult. (is suddenly Ice Missiled-er, Fired by Mia.) OW!

(Isaac and Mia eventually get to the ground, which doesn't look much better than the pile of rubble.)

Isaac: Damn, this place really _is_ a slum, isn't it?

Mia: (sarcastically) No, you _just_ noticed. (non-sarcastically) Anyway, we're in Sector 5 now. My home is somewhere around here.

Isaac: And you know this how?

Mia: ...This _is_ where my character lives, Isaac. Use some common sense. Sheesh.

Picard: (backstage; speaking wisely) Ah, but common sense is not so common anymore...

Knight: (bitterly and under his breath) Truer words have yet to be spoken...

Isaac: I feel like I'm not getting any respect...(follows Mia through the slums)

(After some random battles and a right turn, the two emerge into a small circle, in the center of which is another rundown building. One can see a guy asleep in a pipe to the left of the entrance.)

Isaac: Slum's an understatement...this place is _crap_...

Mia: Don't let any of the citizens hear that. Well, with the exception of the guy in the pipe, he's just weird.

Guy in the Pipe: Duuhhh...cheese...salami...Saturos...

Isaac: (his head jerks up at the mention of the last word) Hm? (He looks at the GitP, and notices something on his head) A tattooed number 2...Wonder what that's about...And what relation does he have to cheese and salami? 0_o

Mia: Isaac, are you coming or not? (She's near the exit)

Isaac: Oh, yeah, I'm coming...(shoots one last confused glance at the GitP)

Guy in the Pipe: The cheese...its power is far greater than the bologna and salami combined...

Isaac: 0_0

Dark Side: (coughs, holds up sign that says "A/N: Sorry if that line offends anyone for whatever strange reason, I just thought it was funny.")

(They arrive at Mia's house, which for some odd reason is a _really_ big contrast with the slums _right next door_.)

Isaac: Mind explaining how you've got a garden growing here and semi-fertile soil when you're next to a place like that? (jerks a thumb over his shoulder at the slums while staring at the garden)

Mia: I doubt even Aeris would know, so I'd say...

Isaac: Plot device...yeah, yeah...Those things suck...(notices something purple glowing in the garden as Mia enters the house) Hm...time for the RPG hero's innate kleptomania to kick in...(walks over and picks it up) More Materia, eh? And evidently this is Cover...

Dark Side: If you equip it, you have a chance of taking physical attacks for your other party members.

Isaac: ...Well, that just sounds stupid to me. We can all take hits pretty well...Maybe I can sell it later. (slips it into his pocket and enters Mia's house)

Mia: Mom! I'm home! (Garet's mother comes down the stairs. Evidently, in the debug room of the first GS, she's called Mrs. Jerra, so that's her name here.)

Mrs. Jerra: Oh, Mia...You were out for an awfully long time...

Mia: Was I? It only seemed to be about ten minutes...

Mrs. Jerra: Must be screwy RPG clocks...(notices Isaac) Oh, Isa-sorry, hello there! Who are you?

Mia: This is Isaac...

Isaac: Hey, I can introdu-

Mia: ...my bodyguard.

Mrs. Jerra: Bodyguard? Don't tell me the Madrans found you again...

Isaac: -ce...my...self...I was right, I don't get any respect...

Mia: Yes, they found me, but thanks to Isaac here, we were able to escape...

Isaac: ...All I did was push over some barrels...

Mrs. Jerra: Well, nevertheless, you saved my daughter, and I thank you for it. (Extends her hand)

Isaac: Um...right...(shakes her hand) I just got a _really_ disturbing image of Mia and Garet being related...

(Pause.)

Everyone except Isaac (and Knight), especially Mia & Garet. Felix too-he got better (took him long enough): _ISAAC!!_

Isaac: (twitches violently at hearing everyone speak at once again) _What_? I can't help these disturbing images!

Jenna: (backstage) You could at least _not_ say them out loud!

Isaac: But...

Sheba: (backstage) No buts, or one of us will remove your speaking privileges again...

Isaac: (groan) You girls are abusing that power...

Jenna: (backstage) We know we are. (grin)

(Mrs. Jerra goes back upstairs, and Mia turns to Isaac)

Mia: So, Isaac, where do you have to go from here?

Isaac: Hm...I think I need to go back to Sector 7. There're two people there named Garet and Jenna who are probably waiting for me...

Mia: ...Is Jenna...a friend?

Isaac: (is smart enough, unlike _some_ main characters, to see where this is going) Yes...

Mia: A _girl_friend?

Jenna: (backstage, speaking quickly) Hell yeah!

Isaac: (just as quickly) No.

Jenna: (same) WHAT?!

Mia: Okay...whatever you say...(inwardly sighs with relief) So, okay. I'll take you back to Sector 7.

Isaac: What-no! I can go back by myself! What, you think I can't take care of myself?

Mia: Exactly. (grins) I lost count of _how_ many times your sorry butt needed saving on our adventure...

Isaac: ...Okay, I see your point, but it's a small walk that'll take half an hour at the most. How can I _possibly_ screw this up?

Jenna: (backstage) Well, in Sol Sanctum, it was an easy task to Move the statue into the hole, but it took you half an hour to realize that, after the fiftieth drop down the hole...

Felix: (backstage; looks appalled) You're kidding, sis. Tell me you're kidding.

Jenna: (same) I'm not. ^_^ I was still laughing by the thirtieth time.

Felix: (same) But that sounds like something you'd expect from Garet...

Garet: (backstage) HEY!!

Mia: So, it's settled then.

Isaac: But-

Mia: (calling up the staircase) Mom! I'm taking Isaac to Sector 7! I'll be back in a bit!

Isaac: -I...can...do it...myself...

(Mrs. Jerra walks back downstairs, her mouth open and ready to argue, but...)

Mrs. Jerra: Oh, never mind. Once you set your mind to something you're never willing to drop it...

Mia: And I'm damn proud of it, too!

Mrs. Jerra: Well, if you're going to go, then at least go tomorrow. It's getting late.

Mia: Late? But during our adventure we tramped through deserts and snowfields regardless of the hour!

Mrs. Jerra: This isn't Golden Sun. It's Final Fantasy VII. And the script says-

Mia: Screw the stupid script! C'mon, Isaac! (grabs his arm and pulls him out the door)

Isaac: Hey, don't I get a say in this?

Mia: No. ^_^

Mrs. Jerra: Okay. Extreme measures. (takes a deep breath) **_GET YOUR DAMNED ASS BACK IN THIS HOUSE, YOUNG LADY!!_**

Everyone (except Knight), especially Mia & Isaac: 0_0

Mrs. Jerra: Oh, and I forgot about **_BRINGING IN YOUR STUPID ASS-KISSING FRIEND TOO!!_**

Everyone (except Knight), especially Mia & Isaac: 0_0

Mrs. Jerra: ^_^ Works quite well on Garet. Just replace stuff with the appropriate terms. Also, yelling "it's dinnertime" works, even in the morning.

Dora: (backstage) Ooh, I'll have to write those down...(does so)

Mrs. Jerra: So, young lady, are you reentering this house like I want you to?

Mia: Yes...ma'am...(drags Isaac back inside)

Isaac: That was even freakier than the girls' demon forms...

Mrs. Jerra: So, now that you actually saw it fit to _listen_ to me, you, Mia, should make the beds.

Mia: Yes ma'am...(dashes up the staircase without hesitation)

Mrs. Jerra: And you, Isaac...(Isaac audibly winces) Would you mind leaving in the middle of the night? Without alerting Mia?

Isaac: ...Um...why?

Mrs. Jerra: Because I'm an overprotective soccer mom, that's why, and don't want to risk letting my daughter out of my sight. I insist that you leave in the middle of the night.

Isaac: (makes a sort of "psh" sound) What, do I give off bad vibes or something?

Mrs. Jerra: Anyone with a sword as big as that gives off bad vibes in my book.

Isaac: Oh...heh...(walks up the stairs warily, as though avoid of risking Mrs. Jerra's wrath)

(Scene: Blackness. The middle of the night. Isaac's fallen asleep.)

Isaac: I have?

(You have, yes.)

Isaac: Well, that's odd, I feel bright awa-

???: Allo.

Isaac: What...! Not you again!

???: What's wrong with me? I'm just a magic voice...

Isaac: ...You're responding to me. That must be the third sign of the apocalypse...

???: Ha ha. I am laughing.

Isaac: Who the hell are you, anyway?

???: Um...this is your conscience, Isaac.

Isaac: My conscience.

???: Ja. We have not talked for a while.

Isaac: Uh-huh. Well, then, conscience, answer me this. Am I crazy?

???: Why would you think that?

Isaac: Because I'm speaking with a voice in my head. That's sign number one of insanity.

???: Is it written down somewhere?

Isaac: Yep, it's in a book somewhere in my house. Or Garet's. I forgot.

???: I see.

Isaac: Plus, I was quite sure my conscience does not have a Russian accent.

???: Russian accent? Why you think that?

Isaac: I'm not deaf. I _can_ hear things. And your Russian accent is really evident. (pause) Would your name happen to be Sean? *

???: Sean? Who is this Sean you speak of? Like I am saying, I am your conscience.

Isaac: Okay. Right. I'll _pretend_ to believe that for the time being. Why _are_ you here?

???: To drive you nuts with questions and show you freaky flashback, of course.

Isaac: Flash...back? No...

???: (gleefully) Oh, ja...

(The scene suddenly fades back in, with Isaac lying on a bed in a different house, and Dora standing at the stove)

Isaac: Wait, weren't you already Jessie or whatever?

Dora: Not really. I'm doing bit parts, as are Kyle and Hsu. Now I'm your mother.

Isaac: Ohhh...

Dora: (drops whatever she was doing at the stove and walks over to Isaac) You know, with a body like that, I wouldn't be surprised if the girls never left you alone.

Isaac: ...Just the kind of thing I'd expect from a mother's mouth...(groan)

Dora: I'll pretend I didn't hear that. You know, I'm worried about you. City life is full of temptations...I'd feel better if you settled down with a nice girlfriend.

Isaac: No.

Dora: (ignoring him again) You should have an older girlfriend...one that'll take care of you.

Isaac: No. Just...no. I don't _need_ anyone to take care of me.

Ivan: (backstage) Um, Isaac? Might I remind you of the time when we had to pull you out of an oasis in Lamakan Desert?

Garet: (backstage) And also when we modified Colosso's courses just to give you a better chance, or how about the time when-

Isaac: _Shut. Up._

(Scene fades out...)

(...and fades back in to Mia's house, where Isaac is lying on a bed)

Isaac: ...That was one of the weirdest dreams I've ever had...though that last bit sounds right if it's coming from _my_ mom's mouth...(gets up) Anyway, I suppose I should be leaving, don't want to face the wrath of Mrs. Jerra's italicized and bolded words...

(He opens the door and, as stealthily as Solid Snake, walks downstairs and out the door, where it still looks like the sun is up)

Isaac: ...How long did I sleep?

Random NPC on the Street: If I had to guess, I'd say twenty hours.

Isaac: ...Uh-huh. Why are you taking time out of your day to answer me?

Random NPC on the Street: (has an enraged look on his face) What, just because I'm an NPC, I can't carry on a decent conversation with anyone? Stupid prejudice against NPC's! I'm sick of it! (starts ranting about the mistreatment NPC's get in RPGs, like one-room houses, mental disabilities, crappy weather, ****ed up financial situations...)

Isaac: (sweatdrops, sighs, and starts heading towards Sector 7.)

(...and at the entrance to Sector 6, Mia is waiting)

Isaac: 0_0 The _HELL_?!

Mia: Hello! ^_^ So you were planning on leaving without me, eh?

Isaac: Well...yeah...but how the _HELL_ did you get from your house to here after I left, and before I arrived?! You just fuggin' defied the laws of physics!

Garet: (backstage, raising an eyebrow) How weird, his mouth seems to have been fouled up tremendously...(Everyone else backstage passes out from the shock of Garet using words that are more than four letters long)

Mia: I'd say Teleport Lapis, but that only works for cities, not streets _within_ cities, so I'm gonna have to say...

Isaac: (monotone) Plot...device...I'm _really_ starting to hate those.

Mia: Get used to it. We're gonna be seeing a _lot_ of them. C'mon, let's move. (grabs Isaac's arm and pulls him into Sector 6.)

(After traversing huge piles of junk, centipedes made more of mouth than body, and moving houses, well, Isaac eventually freaks out at the sight of the latter.)

Isaac: Can I ask why and _how_ moving houses are attacking us?! None of the monsters in Golden Sun were as wacky as that!

Mia: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get the point, be quiet...Besides, how are smaller Loch Ness monsters less wacky than a moving house?

Isaac: A smaller Loch Ness monster is a standard RPG monster. Moving houses are not.

Mia: ...So you just can't appreciate anything out of the not-so-ordinary?

Isaac: Sounds about right. ^_^

(Eventually, Isaac and Mia reach a small gate, beyond which is a playground.)

Mia: I think that's the gate to Sector 7 over there. (points to a larger gate, which towers over everything)

Isaac: Okay, then. I guess this is goodbye. (looks sternly at Mia) You _are_ going home, right?

Mia: Nah, I think I'll stick with you a bit longer. Besides, this place looks nice. (walks through the smaller gate and enters the playground, getting on top of the slide.)

Isaac: ...Nice? It looks as cruddy as the slums...

Mia: Hey, can you join me up here?

Isaac: No.

Mia: Well, at least sit on the bottom of the slide...

Isaac: Why?

Mia: (with a big, booming voice and an evil glare) _Because I said so, foolish male..._

Isaac: 0_0 Yes ma'am...(climbs up the slide and sits next to her)

Jenna: (backstage; is being restrained by Felix from lunging at Mia and tearing her to pieces)

Mia: Say, Isaac, which class were you in?

Isaac: Hm, well...Biology, Precalculus, English, a few honors classes...

Mia: I mean in Soldier, dummy.

Isaac: Oh...I was...(Screen suddenly flashes white for a second) First Class.

Mia: Oh...just like my first boyfriend...

Alex: (backstage) _First_ boyfriend?! You mean me?! But I was never _in_ Soldier!

Mia: First of all, Alex, I _never_ liked you, second of all, it's the script.

Alex: (same) You weren't paying attention to the script fifteen minutes ago...

Mia: That's fifteen minutes ago. (sticks her tongue out at Alex)

Isaac: ...He was in First Class too, eh? What was his name? I might know him.

Mia: It doesn't matter...

Dark Side: (starts singing under his breath) ...now what happens...I will never, give up the fight...(is suddenly smacked with another thunderbolt) OW! Who's doing that?! (No one answers.) Grrr...

(At that moment, the gate to Sector 7 opens, and the Dog from Vault pulls a carriage out, turning to its left further into Sector 6.)

Dog from Vault: (thinking) What did I do to deserve this punishment...being treated like a chocobo...I don't even _look_ similar...

(And then Isaac notices Jenna, standing and whistling nonchalantly, at the end of the carriage)

Isaac: Jenna? What the hell?

Mia: Hm? (turns and sees Jenna as the carriage disappears) Jenna, eh? Let's go help her!

Isaac: But-

Mia: No buts, mister. Is she your friend or isn't she? (jumps off the slide and starts following the carriage)

Isaac: ...She is, but...I thought they were kinda at odds... (groans, shrugs, and follows Mia.)

(Everyone waits for Knight to say "Aaaaaaaaand...CUT!")

(Looooooong pause.)

Dark Side: Knight? It's the end of the chapter.

Knight: ......

Dark Side: ...Wonder what's up with him...Oh, never mind, I'll do it. CUT! Hey, that was quite fun to say...(is suddenly thunderbolted again) _GAAAHH!!_ Who the hell is doing that?! (Glares at Ivan and Sheba, who shake their heads immediately) Oh, whoever's doing that, I'll find you, I will...

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[*] Sean's one of my friends, and sometimes (not that much anymore) he takes to speaking with a Russian accent (that he KNOWS annoys the hell out of me, _hint hint_). So that's the background behind that.

Dark Side: Okay, well, that's the end of this. And, there's something he wanted to poll you, the readers, on. Do you prefer Piers or Picard? He's been calling him Picard because he likes that better, but if you readers prefer Piers he'll use his author powers to change it. Or I'll do it if he still hasn't shaken out of this...(shoves Knight, who doesn't notice) ...

Picard: ...you wouldn't _dare_...

Dark Side: Yes I would, if it makes the readers happy. ^_^ So review. And vote on Picard/Piers's name. And stuff. Yeah.

Isaac: Are you running out of things to say?

Dark Side: Of course. So, um...oh yeah, one last thing. _Who the heck is smacking me with those thunderbolts?!_ (looks around all shifty-eyed) C'mon out, I won't hurt you...much...

(Silence. Garet thinks he hears a little shuffling, but when he turns to look, not a thing is disturbed.)

Dark Side: -_- Figures. Never mind. I'll find out later. Just review, and we'll see you next chapter. Hopefully. (stalks off backstage to find the culprit.)


End file.
